Archive for the ‘Real Life’ Category

In Its Pocketses

Friday, March 21st, 2014

I read something today asking what the strangest thing in your purse is right now. I realized it’s been literally three years or so since I touched my purse, so I decided to go through it and explore what’s in there. In the interest of science. Or something. Anyway, here is the report.

As a side note, apparently my purse is currently living underneath the little table in our guest room. I don’t know why it’s under the little table in the guest room, but in the interest of logical organization, it is accompanied by some important documents, several empty cardboard boxes, and a carton of electrolyte drink mix. I assume the purse was sitting somewhere inconvenient three years ago and got shoved in there “temporarily,” since the guest room tends to be a convenient place for shoving things. Except guests.

Contents of Curiosity’s Purse:

1) Lip balm (which has similar cousins in pretty much all of my belongings that could hold one), and also a tinted lip gloss, for if I was feeling fancy.

2) Hair clip I’ve been looking for for over three years now and was starting to believe had been either a figment of my imagination or involved in some unexpectedly traumatic hair-clip-violence that I’ve since blocked out.

3) A scrunchie that I’m reasonably sure I’ve never actually worn in public. And yes, the 1980′s called me, and they’d like their hair products back. They used a land line. …Except they just called it a “phone.”

4) Go Train schedule printed out in font so small as to be almost unreadable, in case I wanted to know what the Go Train schedule would look like if read from a very great distance.

5) Small package of Kleenex that I’m reasonably certain I can’t make interesting.

6) Hand sanitizer, from the period of time that I was getting sick every time somebody so much as made eye contact with me. …Also, that sentence makes “eye contact” sound WAY more disgustingly tactile than I intended it. Seriously, though, letting people rub their eyes on you probably is a good way to get sick.

7) Brand of feminine products I switched from years ago.

8 ) Not one, but two photos of my own face. I’m pretty certain these were for my hairdresser to show her a cut I was really happy with. Let’s assume. Alternately, I can hold them up all official like and say “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WOMAN?” and confuse the hell out of people.

9) One small Ziploc bag of very desiccated almonds, not all of which remained in their confines. I put them back in the purse after investigating. Live on, almonds.

10) One large dried fruit snack bar.

11) Several small dried fruit snack bars.

12) Additional small dried fruit snack bars.

13) Who needs this many dried fruit snack bars??? Was I portaging??

14) Crumpled grocery list that included items like “millet” and “amaranth,” neither of which I would purchase now. This was from the “tackle my poor digestion” era where I was trying to identify food allergies/sensitivities, and I don’t need them now since I’ve got a pretty good handle of what works and doesn’t work for me, and the factors that aren’t actually related to food. Also, amaranth tastes like dirt. So there’s that.

15) One 8.5 x 11 inch piece of white paper in my husband’s handwriting with the words “To Whom It May Concern” scrawled in large letters across one side, and “I love you” on the other. I’m positive there was a story to this, and cannot for the life of me remember what it was.

16) The receipt for my beloved cat Morning’s emergency vet visit and euthanasia Ouch.  That was…an unexpected find. Dear, sweet boy. I still think of you all the time.

17) One bottle of Gravol, and a small plastic case with brand new ear plugs in it. I really don’t know what that was about. Sounds fun.

18) One small container of my favourite grapefruit lotion that I can’t use anymore without my nose stuffing up like crazy. There should be laws against new allergies developing later in life. It’s like they hold off just long enough to confirm what your favourites are.

19) I’m pretty sure I just used “later in life” in reference to myself, like a mature person. HA ha ha ha ha ha ha HA ha ha. …Although to be fair, those two pictures of my face mentioned above were not taken with a cell phone. Touche, self. Touche.

20) Coupon for $10 off shoes that really I knew I was never going to use when I put it in there in the first place, but stuck in anyway (in case of shoe emergency, I guess. Shoe emergency and limited funds). It expired in 2010.

21) Various receipts and scraps of paper, including one enigmatic Chapters receipt with “3pm Cost of borrowing $2000″ written on it. This was in my writing and seems oddly suggestive of loan sharking activity that I’m reasonably sure I’ve never been involved in. I have no idea what this was (and also plausible deniability about any broken kneecaps involved).

22) Assorted lint.

23) Contact and hotel information from that weekend in Montreal that I took when I was free of the antidepressants but didn’t know what M.E. was yet, and was just confused about why I was so crushingly exhausted and unwell and incapable of getting anything done in the days following. And also why I had so much fun if my problem was supposed to be depression.  This was also a time when I thought I would continue to just get better, which is bittersweet.

So there you go. The contents of my life several years ago. There was also a pencil and notepaper involved, but I think I scavenged that pretty early on. It’s always the most valuable things that get pinched first.

It was kind of weird going through it all. I forget sometimes that people use purses. I’m determined to get well enough that someday it becomes practical for me to need to carry one around again, but it’s so foreign now that I think I’m going to feel like I’m playing dress-up.

It’s okay, though. …I’ve got a scrunchie.

Are you my mom or step-father? You should probably close your eyes, then. This post is broken. It causes blindness. And hives. And it’s full of pictures of regurgitated food. On spiders. Singing Ke$ha songs.

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013

…Though I suppose that defense only works if they know who Ke$ha is.

Confession:  I don’t even really know who Ke$ha is.  I am seriously out of date on overplayed pop stars.   Defenses failed.

This is going to be a shorter update than I’d like to give, but it’s the best I can do at the moment.  Physically, am hanging in there.  Have been a bit extra burnt lately.  Of course, there are all kinds of things I’d like to say about this, but the fact that I’m burnt already means I probably shouldn’t.  ;) The overall trend is still going in the right direction, though, and I seem to have a more solid grasp every day of how to keep it that way.

Have been under huge strain for the past few weeks, though.  My husband and I are trying to get my mother and her husband out of their current (very poor) situation, and into somewhere safe and secure and where they’ll be okay from here forward.  And that involves moving them.  And we need to do the house purchasing, because they’re not yet in the country.  And we need to find a way to reliably get one of them into the country, which might be difficult (but immigration will not give a straight answer about it or tell us anything about their chances, only “fill out the forms and we’ll let you know in 6 months”).   And we didn’t know that person didn’t already have citizenship until this morning.  And all of the researching and organizing and phonecalls and planning falls on us.  And the whole thing is dependent on a third party, who is impatient, and self-interested, and sometimes volatile.  And we can’t talk to that third party directly.  And the person who can is also sometimes volatile, and prone to despondency and occasional rash ideas.  It’s been a lot of work, and a lot of stress, and sometimes it feels like herding cats, except instead of herding I have to give the cats thousands of dollars and get them to fill out paperwork.

I am leery of saying any more than that here, because I don’t want what I say to be misconstrued.  And I dearly love my mother (she is not at all volatile.  She is made of innocence and rainbows).

Plus, there’s a slim chance that someday they might accidentally find out this blog exists.  And no good can come of cats reading my venting here.

At any rate, I’m just trying to cope at this point.  And hoping very much that this will all be resolved somehow soon.  The rest of my life has sort of been on pause until then.

I once read a whole TV remote instruction manual in a sexy voice. That time was intentional, though. …Probably best not to ask.

Thursday, March 21st, 2013

So we’ve determined that I have an Inappropriate Sexy Voice that manifests completely unintentionally on rare occasions, when I’m trying to say totally mundane things. Breathless, sultry, loaded with promise, and COMPLETELY OUT OF PLACE FOR THE SITUATION. My inner vixendom apparently cannot be contained. Also, it may be a good thing that no one’s ever asked me to give a eulogy.

This afternoon, my husband briefly emerged from the home office, where he slaves away during the days. I got up from the couch for a drive by hug on my way down the hall (because I’m all about efficiency).

Husband: Mmmm… Don’t squeeze too hard, though. I really just came out here to use the bathroom.

Me: Damn. I was about to use the bathroom.

Husband: It’s okay. You can use it first. Just turn on the fan if you’re going to poop.

Me: *completely unintentional over-the-top sexy voice* …I will.

The confused horror was probably to be expected, really. He seemed to feel that bathroom activities and sexy time should never fraternize that closely in this house. I told him that I cannot control Inappropriate Sexy Voice. It has a mind of its own. Sometimes there’s lingerie involved, sometimes we’re talking about infrastructure reform. It’s the burden we have to bear.

Some things just cannot be explained.

Where my mind goes

Thursday, August 2nd, 2012

My husband walks into the house carrying bags after a trip to the grocery store:

Him:  You know what a little bird told me?

Me (excited to see what niftiness he may have brought home for me):  What?

Him:  Tweet.

Me: …It’s interesting that wildlife is now trying to get you onto Twitter.

Him:  They’re very persistent about it.

Me:  Birds are big proponents of social media like that.

Him (begins to put groceries away, going on with things)

Me:  I totally want to put together a flash mob where everyone is dressed like the Flash.

I would totally do that too.

Sunday, July 15th, 2012

Interactions with my husband this evening have lead me to consider the perspective of dividing  the world into “People Who Would Do A Dance Number About Grilled Chicken On Command” and “People Who Would Not Do A Dance Number About Grilled Chicken On Command”.  This may or may not have been inspired by discovering that my husband is the former.  :)

Which are you?

Call Waiting

Wednesday, June 27th, 2012

Sometimes I envision pressing the “Flash” button on our telephone would lead to talking with an all-in-red superhero.

And I’d be like “Hey, do you know where I could get a good pizza?”

And he’d be like “That’s not really what I do.”

Profound

Thursday, June 7th, 2012

I don’t really  know why I love to smell things so much.

But one of these days, I am totally going to get one of these berry mints stuck in my nose.

…No, seriously.

Soft-Hearted

Monday, September 19th, 2011

We have a fly in our house. I saw it buzzing around the window a couple of days ago, but couldn’t get up to swat it.

As it turns out, apparently we have a Darwinian Reject fly in our house. I’m not sure what separated it from its mother at an early age, but it’s little fly instincts don’t seem to be working as it has decided that I am it’s new best friend. It likes to land on my clothing. And if I move around, it just stays there, happily cleaning its feet. If I move around abruptly, it will circle around a little and try landing on me again. Sometimes for variety, it hops from one spot beside me to another, inches away at the most. Pillow, blanket, sofa, back to pillow. The thing has no fear.

I couldn’t help imagining it going “Hi! I’m your new pet! My name is Fred!”. …Which was my first mistake.

Because now I have a housefly who trusts me completely and has a name.

And how the heck am I supposed to kill that?

Five Question Friday? Nope. But there’s a contest! And who doesn’t like those?

Friday, March 25th, 2011

So apparently there is no Five Question Friday today.  Just because some people’s family members had crazy “medical problems.” …like “appendicitis.”  Slackers.

Today has been a little more sleepy than usual around these parts.  My cat decided yesterday for absolutely no discernable reason, that five am would be a great time for us to connect on a deeper level.  Like, say, the level where her paws meet my face.  I have a terrible time trying to get back to sleep these days once I’m awakened.  And for some reason yesterday’s blip convinced my body to wake itself up again this morning with no feline prompting.  Clearly my subconscious desire for cat is impeding my ability to get a reasonable night’s sleep.

Anyway, in honour of the five am wake-up, in lieu of Five Question Friday questions I have decided instead to share with you some gems I discovered scrawled on the little pad of paper I keep perpetually beside my bed.

1)  “Belated Superman” …I have no idea what this means.  Seriously, what does this mean?

2)  “Responding to myself like a newborn baby or a Sim” This I do actually remember the gist of.  Something to the effect that I need to pay more attention when my body is giving me signs that I’m in need of something.  That I wouldn’t ignore a newborn’s basic needs, and thus shouldn’t ignore my own as I am prone to doing.  And that, as I would if I were engaged in a Sims video game, sometimes maybe I need to invest some money to quickly tend to an urgent life need (like having too much stress or discomfort, for example).  Or something.  It was a four-in-the-morning revelation, after all.  At any rate, I’m fairly certain the Sim/money thing doesn’t extend well to things like needs for social companionship.  Or it shouldn’t.  Unless I want an STD.

3)  “Erin and Josh’s poop story” Classy.

4)  “Maybe I should have been complimenting you on your appearance rather than wearing our sheets as a hat if I wanted to get laid.” This one’s a quote from my husband, capturing a beautiful moment of enlightenment on foreplay.

5)  This awesome diagram:

Diagram Of Random Stuff

I had to scan it straight in, since I’m sure you couldn’t otherwise appreciate the full glory of its awesomeness.  As I recall, this was actually a joint effort by my husband and I.   And I would love for you to leave your impressions of what this could possibly be depicting.  It’s like Rorschach with slightly less ink.  I promise that I will mail a small something (chosen by popular vote) to a randomly-selected participant.  And maybe something extra to somebody who comes up with anything truly creative or amusing.

Seriously.  I am dying to hear what people can make of this.

Edit: Pinkbrain did a really cool analysis of me based on what I drew there (nifty!). If you want to do that too, feel free to have at me! Alternately, I will have just as much fun amusing myself with what you think the drawing was originally supposed to be and what that says about your own psyche. ;)