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Not quite seeing eye to eye

Friday, September 3rd, 2010

So my husband and I were having a disagreement about something the other day, and were lying on the floor on these big pillows we have while we talked it through to try and resolve it (don’t ask me why we lie on the floor to negotiate, but it seems to happen often), when in the middle of our mini-fight, this

stepped between our heads, filled our field of view, and promptly sat down for a while, just hanging out.  We wait.  She wanders away.

Our reaction:

“Hang on – there seems to be a communication barrier…”

“Everything seemed grey for a minute there.”

“There were a few hairy moments.”

The fact that our primary concern was getting in another pun is probably a good indicator of why our relationship is so strong.

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Posted in Real Life, Things That Amuse Me, cats | 2 Comments »

Trivial Pursuits

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

Not a whole lot that’s new has happened recently in terms of the depression.  I continue to oscillate back and forth between “YAY!” and “ACK!” on pretty much a daily basis.  So in lieu of any kind of substance, here are the first five entirely random things I can think of.

1)  We have a few sod farms along one of the main roads in our area, and every time I pass them I can’t help feeling that they look like regular houses with acres and acres and acres of lawn.  The yards from their homes sort of flow uninterrupted into these MegaLawns.  Nice lawns too.  Very well maintained.  …This amuses me probably more (and more regularly) than it should.

2)  One of those prove-you’re-a-human captcha things asked me to type in “elf rot” today.  …And it wasn’t the kind that does words.  Just random collections of symbols and letters.  I think I’m going to start claiming elf rot every time I can’t come in to work.  Sounds nasty.  I bet nobody would even ask for details.

3)  As mentioned in the comments to the previous post, my list of forbidden words for comments to this site are quickly becoming hysterical.  For your reference, pretty much any sexual term or slang is a-okay.  Just don’t talk about your keys, or say anything intelligent.  Nasty gems like “research” and “written” are taboo here (It will still let you post them, you just have to prove you’re human first.  And that you don’t have elf rot).

4)  Every now and then I feel compulsively tempted to spend a lot of money on geeky shirts that I am probably getting too old to wear.  I also have the burning desire to own some kind of apparel subtly featuring pi.  This probably explains the torrid nature of my love life as a teen.

5)  Robin Williams.  Robin Williams is definitely random.

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Posted in Real Life, Things That Amuse Me | 9 Comments »

The Good Life

Monday, August 16th, 2010

Greetings from nature!  …And by nature, I mean very swank “cottage” owned by friend’s wealthy father.  I think it still qualifies though.  I’m sure somewhere outside the vast and gorgeous kitchen there must be rabbits and squirrels and stuff.  Or at least a bug or two.  …Do bugs come with expensive granite tops?

I jest.  Kind of.  Sort of.  Okay, not really.  But we are near the water, and the air smells amazing, so I think I can suffer through the luxury somehow.  I know.  I’m terribly selfless.

On the plus and down side, Friend-Who-May-Or-May-Not-Like-Me wasn’t able to come up.  Which if he really is okay with me now is a shame, because he’s a nice guy and fun to be around.  But if he isn’t quite okay with me is a relief.  I’m calling it a victory.

And yes, there are four of us currently sitting in the living room, three one laptops and one playing video games on the big screen tv.  In the middle of the afternoon.  At a cottage.  With a gorgeous day outside.  We’ll be outside lots too, and there’s a fantastic lake-scented breeze coming in, but yes, I acknowledge some of the irony of travelling hours to do this.  I never claimed not to have rather geeky tendencies at times.  We should probably just go ahead and learn Klingon.  We’re not fooling anybody.

A quick conversation with a friend of mine who has also struggled with depression also confirmed my already-huge resolve to make a change in psychiatrist.  His guy, like, does therapy and stuff.  And discusses lifestyle changes.  And is willing to fill out paperwork.  And chooses medications based on specific symptoms and reactions to other drugs rather than chronologically.  And, you know, takes notes, and records what he’s prescribed him from time to time.  I’m tempted to see if I could get in to see him even just for a one-type consultation so that I’d have a plan of which medications might be a good fit for me if I ever decided to go that route again.  If I actually thought there was some reason to hope for a better result, I might even be willing to consider it.  …Eventually.  …Once I’m starting to go senile and my memory of the last year and a half has failed.

I should probably comment eventually on the SAM-e (aka SAMe, aka A-Adenosyl methionine) as well, as it actually seems to be doing what it claimed to, and though there were a few side effects to start, they seem to have faded down now.  I know that some people do have significant side effects from the SAM-e, but it seems that I, whose body seems to generally roll over in close proximity to any medication, am not one of those people.  Score!  I’m just now getting up to the suggested minimum starting dose of 200mg/day (which is still only half of the suggested minimum therapeutic dose), and it should take another week or two to know what this dose is doing, but so far so good.  Of course, as with everything else, it’s tough to tell sometimes whether changes are the result of the pills or of other natural life changes, but I am finding that I’ve got WAY more energy than I did.  And energy means motivation, and capability, and other good things.  Still have the occasional meltdown, but I’m hopeful.

Of course, I’m one of those people who gets quasi-euphoric from a cup of coffee, so I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that feeling slightly hyper all the time has improved my mood.  But it’s pretty great.

In addition, we on the way up here, we passed a vending machine that sold bait.  With a great big, very fecal-looking worm on the front.  Now who’s mood wouldn’t be improved by that?

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Posted in Antidepressants, Real Life, SAM-e | 8 Comments »

Where do ruffled introverts go when they stay in the hospital?

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

The husband and I are heading up to a friend’s cottage this weekend for most of the coming week.  I like to tentatively lay out to-do lists for the remaining days in situations like these.  I find it reassuring to see that I still have plenty of time to get done what needs to get done before we leave, and know that I’ve got a handle on things.  Ambiguous needs stress me out a little.  Probably because I’m not the type of person who will go into that situation by doing the ambiguous but needful stuff first.  I’m more likely to be doing more entertaining things until the last possible moment.  At any rate, we’re getting close to departure now, which means I’ve entered the stage of revising my to-do lists so as to put as much as possible tomorrow rather than today.  This also is a common feature of this type of time.  My schedules tend to be a little front-loaded on the more enjoyable activities. =)

It should be a good week.  I’m never 100% certain with this particular grouping of people.  They were good friends of my husband’s before we met, and have gradually become better friends of mine, but we’re not quite all the way there yet.  Sometimes I feel liked, and included, and have a lot of fun.  Sometimes I feel a little left out.  They all share some common interests and activities that I share, and some that I can’t really relate to or participate in (online games, etc. that I don’t play).  So it generally depends on what the current topics of discussion are.  It probably doesn’t help that when I was first getting to know them I inadvertently rubbed one of them the wrong way by reminding him of somebody he didn’t like.  And I get totally awkward when I pick up that somebody’s not liking me.  Awk-ward.  I’m not the type of person who can just let that roll off them yet.

But we’re okay now.  …Probably.  I think.

Saw the new therapist again the other day.  She seems quite good.  In addition to the daily walking, and other activities, and goal-setting, and journaling, and independence-building, this week she’s assigned me the task of going into as many different stores or other establishments as I can and asking as many obvious questions as I can, building up to the stupidest questions I can think of.  I’m not a big fan of appearing incompetent, or of asking other people for help, so the combination is probably a good one.  …Even if it does mean that yesterday I had to ask the Starbucks people what I should order if I want a steamed milk (turns out it’s “steamed milk”).  Actually, I believe what I wanted was a tall, no-whip, hazelnut crème, one pump.  But who am I to tell her that.

I think I’m going to have some fun with this while we’re away.  Too much blatant stupidity is rough in a smallish area where people know who I am, but out in the middle of cottage country…  Heh heh heh.  “So…Do you know who drains the lake in the winter?”  The trick is that I’ll have to make them realistic enough that they think that I’m serious.  I know that there’s at least a grocery store.  Suggestions for grocery-themed dumb questions welcome.

Also, do any of you know where they keep the internet when I’m not using it?

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Posted in Real Life, Therapy, anxiety | 6 Comments »

Write write write die swear swear punch swear write write write

Monday, July 26th, 2010

Still feeling pretty glum, but I’m hanging in there.

Wrote a complaint letter the other day.  …Not about how I’m feeling (though if you have an address for me to send one of those, do pass it on), but for an unsatisfactory product.  My step-father is the master of this.  He could give Wombat a run for her money on the returns.  Not only does he take stuff back, but if he’s even the slightest bit dissatisfied, he writes a nice letter to corporate headquarters telling them about his previously loyal patronage and disappointing experience and they almost always send him boxes of free stuff or at the very least a whole pile of coupons.  I was venting to my husband about a particular product a while back when I realized suddenly that I really am a loyal customer.  And I really am disappointed with my purchase.  So I figured what the heck.  I like free stuff.  Nothing to lose.  Bring on the stationary supplies.

In other news, I think the combination of blogging and being away from my professional work environment for so long may be affecting my “normal” writing style.  I’m not sure that I’m capable any longer of attempting a serious letter without producing something that my husband wants to forward to his coworkers.  …Although I’m oddly okay with that.  More disturbing is that I didn’t really realize there was anything unusual about the letter I sent until he read it over and started laughing at me.

Dear Paper Mate Representative,

I have been a staunch Paper Mate user for a very long time now.  I go through an obscene quantity of pens every year, partly because I am a teacher, partly because I make a bizarre number of to-do lists, and partly because my bag seems to eat them.  I have long ago given up buying anything but your products because I have found them so consistently reliable – no blobs, no inconsistencies, no complications or frustrations.

However, my most recent pen purchase was a rather large box of your comfortmate pens.

I love a good black ink retractable comfort grip pen (it’s my standard go-to writing implement, next to a good mechanical pencil), and normally I am absolutely satisfied with this type of product, but this batch has been more frustrating than I can put into words.  Half the time there are big globs of ink when I click to use them, and the other half they abruptly stop writing for a while in the middle of things, then come back some time later only to die again over and over while I’m trying to get whatever it was written down.  I’ve been through a pile of them now thinking it must just have been a fluke with one bad pen, but they’re all like that.  It makes no difference if they’re kept inside, outside, right-side-up at all times, or if I shake them, hold them still, turn them gently, press harder, press softer,…they all do this with clockwork regularity, and it is exceptionally frustrating.

I know that might sound silly, but I am really sincerely disappointed, as this is the first time you’ve let me down, and I have purchased your products so consistently in the past to prevent exactly these types of issues.  I do not want to have to begin my search all over again for a brand that I can trust.

If this was a temporary problem, I would greatly appreciate a new box of retractable comfort grip black ink pens to replace the ones I am currently swearing at.  If not, I hope that perhaps you will consider raising your standards back to their previously high levels so as to prevent this frustration for the people who will be buying your pens in the future.  Seriously.  You have no idea how frustrating it is to be trying to make a note of something when the only pen you have with you is only willing to write three quarters of a word at a time.  It’s like it’s laughing at me.  I am not laughing back.

Thank you for taking the time to hear my complaint.  I really do appreciate it.  Let me know if the issue has been resolved and it’s safe to start buying your products again.

Sincerely,

Curiosity

Perfectly businesslike.  Were I actually trying to make it entertaining, I would have included a diagram or two.  Or transcriptions of my swearing.  Or written the letter with one of those m@th($f*$#ing pens and let them try to make the damned thing out.

Yup.  All fascinating stuff these days around here.

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Posted in Real Life | 11 Comments »

He’s also a little bit roguish, but in a completely responsible way, I swear.

Friday, July 9th, 2010

It’s our anniversary on Monday, so we’re celebrating this weekend.  Second year of marriage, ninth year together.  I end up saying that a lot, because I don’t want to let those extra seven years go.  He is bright, and clever, and determined, and witty, and charming, and spontaneous, and devoted, and stubborn, and rebellious, and ingenious, and honest, and passionate, and perceptive, and introspective, and adaptable, and trustworthy, and generous, and bold, and just the right amount of both cheeky and geeky for me.

And I’m kind of smitten with him.

Tonight I surprised him with a nice dinner, because he’s got a bunch of work to finish still later on this evening but I wanted us to be able to carve out a little couple time together (normally he does the cooking except for on major holidays, which suits me just fine, but every now and then I do make something.  You know.  So I don’t forget how the stove works).  I realized partway into the preparation that the theme of the meal was pears and thyme.  …Pairs.  And Time.  How appropriate.  Sort of.  …Okay, it’s a stretch, but it’s closer to romantic than asparagus and salt.

Plans for tomorrow revolve around cotton, in honour of the traditional gift for a second anniversary.  Also around fresh baguette and cheeses.  I’m sure I read that on the list somewhere.  Second anniversary – cotton, bread and cheeses.  Next year is leather, bread and cheeses.  Could get interesting.

To summarize other news, Dr. Douchecanoe was still a douchecanoe while my husband was there, but much much less so.  And I managed to get out of the appointment without an armful of new medications.  Unfortunately I still have to keep seeing him, because the new therapist isn’t a doctor.  On the plus side, the new therapist does seem good.  She took some time at the first session to inquire about my diet, supplements, exercise, and other things that I find reassuring.  She seems well informed (no new information, but at least I wasn’t telling her things she didn’t know. …See Dr. Douchecanoe above).  She seems willing to explore various options for treatment.  And when I mentioned my history with antidepressants, she gave me kind of a horrified/sympathetic look and comment rather than ignoring what I said (*cough* Dr Douchecanoe *cough*).  I will admit that it was kind of relieving to have someone other than me, who seems vaguely competent, taking some responsibility for my treatment.  It’s been stressful feeling like I need to carry it all on my own shoulders.

I think I’m going to continue seeing free therapist too, though.  Can’t hurt, right?

And plus, if I add one or two more health professionals, I can form a baseball team.

Also, it was brought to my attention again today that I have a very difficult time getting angry.  I just take too much personal responsibility for things, so if something goes wrong, I automatically assume there was something more I could have done to prevent it.  Wrong leg got amputated?  Should have double-checked and confirmed with the doctor one more time before going into surgery.  Tree fell on my car?  Should have foreseen that as a risk and parked somewhere else.   There’s not a lot that I can’t claim an active role in somehow.  Meteors, maybe.  Granted, I did choose to live on Earth, but do you know how cold it is on Neptune this time of year?  Plus, dude, I hear the commute is hell.

In other and completely unrelated news, apparently someone in my area was having a yard sale on “Friday.”  They had a big old salmon-coloured sign on the main road.

Does that mean I need to be there by Wednesday if I want anything good?  Are they trying to throw off the cops?  Bending space-time?  Do they not believe that Friday is real?  I almost got out my cell phone to take a picture, but the light changed too soon so I drove away and missed out.  …Okay, I almost got out my cell phone to take a picture, but the guy behind me gave a polite honk as I sat at the green light spaced out thinking about it, and I drove away and missed out.  Still, classic blog of unnecessary quotation marks moment.

In a similar vein, this is pretty damn funny too.

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Posted in Real Life, Therapy, Things That Amuse Me | 5 Comments »

If I was in an empire state of mind, I would probably invade Bermuda. …First.

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

We gave my much-younger sister and her friend (who we met that evening) a lift back to their town of residence after a family event on the weekend (it was a cousin’s post-topical-wedding reception, but that’s not really important).  The friend sent me a very polite Facebook message the day after asking if she had perhaps left her cell phone in our car, and if so, could I mail it back to her.  I looked.  She had.  Being a hip University student who I’m sure has…you know…friends and stuff, I asked in my reply whether she was suffering cell phone withdrawal yet.   This is what she sent me.

I think she might be awesome.

So I sent her an envelope containing the phone and two surveillance photos with a request on the back of one of them to “take care of this” by mid July, payment to follow.

The pictures were supplied by Google, so I’m not sure who this woman is, but I hope she has good life insurance or some decent body armor.

Around these parts, things are becoming progressively more stable as my body adjusts to the lack of foreign chemicals (and it does, indeed, look like I’m actually free of the Luvox for good!  Yippee!).  I’m fighting the urge to push myself too crazy hard now that I’m “better.”  …”Better” meaning pretty much right back where I was when they decided to pull me from work in the first place.  ;)   I’m still not handling stress well, but for the moment I’ve gotten pretty good at avoiding all possible stresses in my life.  So things are going okay.

In other news, that New York song “Empire State of Mind” with Alicia Keys and Jay-Z was playing on the radio on my way home today.  I have no idea what most of the lyrics are, which isn’t unusual for me, but one line came through crystal clear and I don’t think I’ll now be able to hear it any other way.  Tell me that at the one minute mark, she isn’t singing “concrete fills my red dream tomato.”  I dares ya.

Empire State of Mind on YouTube

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Posted in Antidepressants, Real Life, Things That Amuse Me | 8 Comments »

My First

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

Cool!  Earthquake!  …That is exceptionally rare around here.

Big relief too, as for a moment I thought that something in the air conditioning and/or venting system in my house was SERIOUSLY malfunctioning.  Truly, if the vibrations are causing the couch to actually bounce up and down off the ground, you need one heck of a repair job.

Nope.  Just the Earth moving.  Much cheaper.

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Posted in Real Life | 8 Comments »

The Freshmaker

Monday, June 7th, 2010

When we moved into this house, I did a lot of research into “natural” pet and people-safe methods of insect control.  One of the things I discovered is that a mixture of peppermint oil and water kills spiders. …And it really does.  I tested out the mix a few times, and aside from feeling like a terrible human being for closely watching some spiders die, it turned out great.  I bought a cheap little plastic spray bottle to put some in and have kept it by the front door for the occasional time that something with eight legs tries to move in somewhere inconvenient.  I’m all for letting spiders be most of the time.  I don’t mind if they want to hang around and eat things in my area.  …Provided they pay attention to the appropriate zoning laws.  Upper corner of garage, okay.  Seat of my lawn chair, not okay.

Anyway, the other day as my husband and I were entering the house, I noticed a…rather large…spider attempting to make itself a cozy new home on the piece of roof right above our front door.    The low-hanging piece of roof.  The one our heads pass right under as we’re going inside.  Zoning violation.

So, feeling all super prepared, I pull out the trusty squirt bottle and open fire.  Except that I can’t seem to quite get a firm stream going – it mostly kind of spritzes all over my hand like it thought about traveling all the way up there to where the spider is but realized after a few inches that DUDE – have you seen how far that is?  Hand’s right here.   Minty death for me.  And being the bright one that I am, rather than fiddle with the spray nozzle, I just brandish my hand further into the air and sort of wave it around, like somehow that will make up the difference.  Or that squeezing more furiously will somehow intimidate the water into going where I want it to.  But the spider is still up there, calmly raising one hairy eyebrow in my direction.  And I CANNOT stop now until I succeed.  And did I mention that it was kind of breezy that day?  Like, blowing towards the doorway in which I was standing?

So…um…you know that icy fire menthol vicks vaporub sensation that some pepperminty things give you?  Yes.  I know.  Everyone saw this coming but me.  …But in my defense, I couldn’t see anything coming at all since there was MENTHOL IN MY EYES.   I had no recourse but to laugh at myself.  We’re not talking slightly nippy here.  We’re talking dear-lord-stop-breathing-near-me-the-resulting-change-in-air-flow-is-lighting-my-face-on-fire.  Cold fire.  The full intensity of the sensation didn’t really set in for a few minutes (or maybe it was my focused determination and optimal spider-killing powers of concentration) so I didn’t realize until after quite a while of peppermint flailing that the back of one hand, all of my face, and both eyes were rather unusually minty.   My lovely husband brought me some paper towels.  And he even refrained from allowing his raging laughter to drop him to the floor until after leading his now-blind wife to the bathroom.  He’s a good man like that.  And he has since even refrained from bringing up hourly the ending to the whole escapade.  On the plus side, I now go well with lamb.

Scene:  I raise my head from its twisted position under the tap in the bathroom sink, where my husband has been helping me try to get as much water as possible on my eyes, and I’ve been partially-successfully trying to avoid first hand experience with the sensation of waterboarding.

Me:  You know that paper towel that I grabbed partway through to try to keep the water out of my nose?  …It may or may not have been the one completely covered in peppermint oil.

Husband: (laughing hysterically)

Me:  My nostrils are cold.

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Posted in Real Life, Things That Amuse Me | 4 Comments »

Things on my mind

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

1)      We were returning from a friend’s house this weekend and in the car realized that an ant from there (they had just noticed the beginnings of an invasion force) had stowed away in our bag.  We live around two hours away.  So it occurred to me, what would have happened to that ant if it had made it home?  What happens to an ant in isolation?  Would it feed itself?  Where would it live?  Would it attempt to build a new ant hill all by itself?  Would it just be lost without its peers?  I don’t know.

2)      I think I have some kind of crazy Mutant Virus.  I’ve been feeling generally unwell, and my glands have been swollen for at least a month now.  And I have confirmed this week that in the times I’m feeling especially ill/shaky/feverish, I do actually have a bit of a fever.  But it only happens sometimes, for an hour or two.  And the rest of the time my temperature goes back to totally normal.  What the heck is that??

3)      I had to help out my University-age sister this weekend, as she’s run out of credit and hasn’t yet found a summer job.  …Not because she’s irresponsible, just because student jobs are a little scarce, and she wasn’t able to find part-time work during the school year this year, so her cash situation is absurdly tight.  Our situation is not good either, but at least we still have some credit left.  My mother has mentioned that maybe someday my step-father will be willing to sell the house they’re in and move back to Canada.  It’s very close to the water, and worth a pile of cash as a result.  If they bought a pretty nice house here, all of our financial troubles would just vanish.  Just like that.  Poof.  Theirs, my sisters, and mine.  I can’t even imagine.  Damn, it would be amazing to be able to get on with our lives looking towards the future instead of paying off the past.  I sort of think it would be better in the long run anyway, since eventually one of them is bound to have some kind of medical problem, and taking advantage of the health care their taxes have been paying for would probably be a good idea.  I’m not sure there’s actually any chance of it happening, though.  I am trying not to get my hopes up.

4)      I have determined that if I am able to continue at my current rate, it will take about a month before I’m free of the Luvox.  A nice, long month of feeling sort of crappy, if this week is any indication.  Just right on that line of crappiness where it is very crappy, but not yet so crappy as to be too crappy to continue.  Good times.

5)      When we moved in there were some…puppy-related stains…on the living room carpet.  After several cleansing attempts, I ended up dousing them solidly with enzyme-loaded pet stain and smell remover.  Very effective. …Except that the resulting moisture left them smelling kind of musty instead.  Noticeable again now that the windows are open and there’s a breeze blowing across them from time to time.  So a couple of days ago, I doused them with anti-mould spray as well.  …Except the dampness of the anti-mould spray seems to be generating more mould.  How is that even possible?  It’s like soap getting dirty.

6)      I haven’t been feeling especially internet-inclined of late, and I feel a little guilty for not being more up-to-date on everyone’s happenings.  Also, I’m craving toast.

7)      The cat pictured in yesterday’s guitar case has decided that I have been at the computer too long now, and is attempting to remove me by force.

8 )      “…I don’t wanna miss a single thing you do…tonight.”

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Posted in Antidepressants, Real Life | 7 Comments »

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