Archive for the ‘Things That Amuse Me’ Category

I once read a whole TV remote instruction manual in a sexy voice. That time was intentional, though. …Probably best not to ask.

Thursday, March 21st, 2013

So we’ve determined that I have an Inappropriate Sexy Voice that manifests completely unintentionally on rare occasions, when I’m trying to say totally mundane things. Breathless, sultry, loaded with promise, and COMPLETELY OUT OF PLACE FOR THE SITUATION. My inner vixendom apparently cannot be contained. Also, it may be a good thing that no one’s ever asked me to give a eulogy.

This afternoon, my husband briefly emerged from the home office, where he slaves away during the days. I got up from the couch for a drive by hug on my way down the hall (because I’m all about efficiency).

Husband: Mmmm… Don’t squeeze too hard, though. I really just came out here to use the bathroom.

Me: Damn. I was about to use the bathroom.

Husband: It’s okay. You can use it first. Just turn on the fan if you’re going to poop.

Me: *completely unintentional over-the-top sexy voice* …I will.

The confused horror was probably to be expected, really. He seemed to feel that bathroom activities and sexy time should never fraternize that closely in this house. I told him that I cannot control Inappropriate Sexy Voice. It has a mind of its own. Sometimes there’s lingerie involved, sometimes we’re talking about infrastructure reform. It’s the burden we have to bear.

Some things just cannot be explained.

Good Thing He Has a Rebellious Streak

Friday, February 22nd, 2013

I’m having some of my mineral levels tested next week, so I’m supposed to avoid my usual mineral-related supplements for a few days in advance so as not to throw off the results too much. Consequently, I plan to skip the lovely, lovely Epsom Salts that normally go into my next scheduled bath.

The minor complication is that I’m not the one who puts them in there anymore. There is a care worker who comes in to help me, and getting the bath ready for me is part of her routine. And my memory for reminding people of things like that is…not so good anymore.

No problem, I think. I’ll just write up a post-it note now while my memory’s fresh, and on my next trip to the bathroom I’ll stick it on the container of Epsom Salts and leave it there for the next couple of days until she arrives. So if I forget to mention, she’ll at least see the note there on the shelf above our toilet and either skip the salts or ask me about it.

Problem solved. No possibility of humour ensuing, right?

…Except that apparently my note did not stay in place as firmly as I might have hoped.

So my poor unsuspecting husband went into the bathroom this morning to use it for its usual purpose, and when he turned to the side to partake of the roll of toilet paper currently in use, found a pink note in my handwriting stuck to it, saying

“None this week, please. Thanks!”

You Know What Really Relaxes Me? …No, not poop receptacles. Why do you ask?

Tuesday, August 21st, 2012

Okay…

The worst part is not that there exists a toilet bowl mug, or even that 106 people have currently taken the time out of their day to write a review for one (though that in itself is surely amusing too, in a sad sort of way).  I can see that it apparently must have a market somewhere.  It’s shaped like a little toilet.  Ha ha.  And you drink your coffee in it.  And it’s brown and watery.  And…ewwwww.

The part that kills me is the picture of it holding three floating tealight candles.

I have to say that one would not have seemed like a natural choice for top marketing ideas here.

Note:  Special thanks to The Worst Things for Sale for bringing this piece of absurdity into my life in the first place.

Where my mind goes

Thursday, August 2nd, 2012

My husband walks into the house carrying bags after a trip to the grocery store:

Him:  You know what a little bird told me?

Me (excited to see what niftiness he may have brought home for me):  What?

Him:  Tweet.

Me: …It’s interesting that wildlife is now trying to get you onto Twitter.

Him:  They’re very persistent about it.

Me:  Birds are big proponents of social media like that.

Him (begins to put groceries away, going on with things)

Me:  I totally want to put together a flash mob where everyone is dressed like the Flash.

Selective Breeding

Tuesday, July 31st, 2012

My first reaction on seeing this headline and sub-headline?

Wow.  That’s really offensive.

…And she looks Chinese to me.

…Oh. …The other kind of race.

Flummoxed

Thursday, July 19th, 2012

So I happened to glance at my search terms for the day just now.  They display on my dashboard when I log in here.  This is something that clearly used to amuse me, but I haven’t kept up with in a very, very long time (more than a year now, really).  Today’s s set looked like despite the time away, the standard list of usual suspects were still going strong.  Yeah, yeah, animals hugging.  Yadda yadda stick figures having sex.  And then….?!??

That’s right…

I’m pretty sure there are things I could say here, but really, I think that’s art all on its own.

Call Waiting

Wednesday, June 27th, 2012

Sometimes I envision pressing the “Flash” button on our telephone would lead to talking with an all-in-red superhero.

And I’d be like “Hey, do you know where I could get a good pizza?”

And he’d be like “That’s not really what I do.”

CFS Joke

Saturday, August 20th, 2011

Just saw this elsewhere… Probably sad that it’s so true, but made me laugh.

Exercise for People with Fibro and CFS

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Received via e-mail

Friday, June 17th, 2011

First Message: Re the scheduling…_^O^_

Second Message: That was supposed to be a shrug, but apparently Batman will take care of it.