I realized driving home today that basically all I’ve done all day is meditate, read about meditating/growth, and think about meditating/growth. No wonder I felt unusually calm (in contrast to the rest of this week when all I’ve done all day is unpack, think about unpacking, and long for more caffeine and a functioning shower. No reading about unpacking yet. I’ll get back to you next week).
The book I’m working through suggests choosing an issue, and in classic Yoda style of “do or do not – there is no try,” just making the commitment to actually take the steps necessary to fix it – making behavioral choices that move you in the direction of who and what you want to be. Seems obvious, but holy unnerving to think about for some things. Seriously? You want me to give up my perfectionism and overworking? When my whole house is in boxes and we’ve got friends coming over in a couple of weeks? I like that one. It’s my pet issue. Good issue. Back in your cage. Mommy won’t let you go anywhere just yet.
In thinking over potential issues to change, I did realize that I try to hide some more than others – from myself and from everybody else. Particularly things that I really don’t like in myself, or that I feel represent only a part of my personality that I don’t want people to generalize about. The things that would leave me cringing for weeks if I found out someone thought that about me, but that maybe have a grain of truth from time to time. Those are probably the ones that make the most sense to change, but dang if admitting to those tiny grains isn’t a tough prospect. Of course, this is the same book that once suggested taking your deepest insecurities and writing them on a “Hello, my name is” style nametag and wearing them around in public for a day or two. Bold.
In the spirit of liberation through excessive sharing, I would dread people seeing me as…
1) Dependent on my mate
2) Sometimes not entirely financially responsible
3) Socially awkward/shy/anxious at times
Largely because I like to see myself at most times as a fiercely capable, strong and independent woman, who makes responsible life choices and appears at some times very confident with other people. Fiercely capable of making the responsible decision to confidently eat my money while cowering behind my husband because there are…people…out….there.
Tags: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, ACT, behavioral therapy, insecurities, meditation, mindfulness, perfectionism, things that are not my name, things that I never thought I would admit to anyone ever
Number 3 has my name all over it. Mix in a healthy dose of “my brain doesn’t always get a chance to filter what comes out of my mouth” and it probably is really more healthy for me to stay at home. Alone. All the time. It doesn’t seem to matter how well a particular social event has gone, I always find at least one thing that I did/said/saw to freak out and go into analysis overdrive over.