So my husband was awake all night from severe abdominal pain.
This morning he called the health line we have here, and they advised him to go to the E.R.
I feel awful for him and the rough night he’s had. I’m concerned for him, of course, but I’m not overly worried at this point. Hopefully it’s nothing serious, and hopefully he’s in good hands regardless.
But it’s been a painful reminder of the impact my own illness can have. My husband is in severe pain, in the ER right now, and I couldn’t drive him there. I am not with him. I am not holding his hand. I am not talking him through it or being his rock. I can’t fulfill my role as the calm-in-a-crisis one. If something serious happened, I wouldn’t even know until somebody got around to calling me, and if they did, I don’t know how I would come see him anyway (though, somehow, I would FIND A WAY). I can’t push my own wheelchair around. I can’t even really sit up for long enough in a regular wheelchair for somebody else to push it around for me. I would need a caregiver. And my caregiver is my husband. And wanting desperately to help him isn’t enough to make me able to.
I can’t even entirely help myself. I don’t even know what I’m going to eat today. Thank goodness there are leftovers in the fridge, and new groceries so there should be things I can grab haphazardly to gnaw on. I’m not well enough to fix myself even a simple meal without payback. I’m getting closer, but I’m not there yet. And if I was ever on my own long enough that the groceries ran out, I would be completely reliant on finding someone else to get some for me. It’s literally not possible for me to get them myself anymore.
I will be fine today, but they’re difficult realizations to have pushed to the forefront. Wanting something really badly isn’t enough to make my body capable of it.
I cannot care for myself independently. And that’s a damned scary thought.
I cannot care for him either. And that’s so very much worse.
Tags: And it would only be worse if something more serious happened to him, husband, If he needed a caregiver it couldn't be me and that makes me feel awful on so many levels, Not being with him is breaking my heart