Still feeling pretty glum, but I’m hanging in there.
Wrote a complaint letter the other day. …Not about how I’m feeling (though if you have an address for me to send one of those, do pass it on), but for an unsatisfactory product. My step-father is the master of this. He could give Wombat a run for her money on the returns. Not only does he take stuff back, but if he’s even the slightest bit dissatisfied, he writes a nice letter to corporate headquarters telling them about his previously loyal patronage and disappointing experience and they almost always send him boxes of free stuff or at the very least a whole pile of coupons. I was venting to my husband about a particular product a while back when I realized suddenly that I really am a loyal customer. And I really am disappointed with my purchase. So I figured what the heck. I like free stuff. Nothing to lose. Bring on the stationary supplies.
In other news, I think the combination of blogging and being away from my professional work environment for so long may be affecting my “normal” writing style. I’m not sure that I’m capable any longer of attempting a serious letter without producing something that my husband wants to forward to his coworkers. …Although I’m oddly okay with that. More disturbing is that I didn’t really realize there was anything unusual about the letter I sent until he read it over and started laughing at me.
Dear Paper Mate Representative,
I have been a staunch Paper Mate user for a very long time now. I go through an obscene quantity of pens every year, partly because I am a teacher, partly because I make a bizarre number of to-do lists, and partly because my bag seems to eat them. I have long ago given up buying anything but your products because I have found them so consistently reliable – no blobs, no inconsistencies, no complications or frustrations.
However, my most recent pen purchase was a rather large box of your comfortmate pens.
I love a good black ink retractable comfort grip pen (it’s my standard go-to writing implement, next to a good mechanical pencil), and normally I am absolutely satisfied with this type of product, but this batch has been more frustrating than I can put into words. Half the time there are big globs of ink when I click to use them, and the other half they abruptly stop writing for a while in the middle of things, then come back some time later only to die again over and over while I’m trying to get whatever it was written down. I’ve been through a pile of them now thinking it must just have been a fluke with one bad pen, but they’re all like that. It makes no difference if they’re kept inside, outside, right-side-up at all times, or if I shake them, hold them still, turn them gently, press harder, press softer,…they all do this with clockwork regularity, and it is exceptionally frustrating.
I know that might sound silly, but I am really sincerely disappointed, as this is the first time you’ve let me down, and I have purchased your products so consistently in the past to prevent exactly these types of issues. I do not want to have to begin my search all over again for a brand that I can trust.
If this was a temporary problem, I would greatly appreciate a new box of retractable comfort grip black ink pens to replace the ones I am currently swearing at. If not, I hope that perhaps you will consider raising your standards back to their previously high levels so as to prevent this frustration for the people who will be buying your pens in the future. Seriously. You have no idea how frustrating it is to be trying to make a note of something when the only pen you have with you is only willing to write three quarters of a word at a time. It’s like it’s laughing at me. I am not laughing back.
Thank you for taking the time to hear my complaint. I really do appreciate it. Let me know if the issue has been resolved and it’s safe to start buying your products again.
Sincerely,
Curiosity
Perfectly businesslike. Were I actually trying to make it entertaining, I would have included a diagram or two. Or transcriptions of my swearing. Or written the letter with one of those m@th($f*$#ing pens and let them try to make the damned thing out.
Yup. All fascinating stuff these days around here.
Tags: entries in which I don't have anything particularly interesting to say so instead cut and paste things that are also not particularly interesting but don't require as much typing, honestly - I swear I meant this to be perfectly professional. I may be in trouble when I get back to work. ...Either that or I'll be promoted. I've got to figure it's one or the other., I did not actually sign it "Curiosity" but otherwise that's what I mailed, I really do love a clicky black pen, my husband really did forward it to his collegues. My husband is strange.
You’re welcome to send me complaint letters if they’re all written like that.
I hope you get a big box of great pens. That work!
Absolute gold! You aren’t moonlighting as Wilbur Winkle by chance?
Am I crazy to think you should send it?? LOL, too funny!
And I didn’t read the tags, fail.. I think you made the right decision!
Perfect. Not only should they send you a lifetime supply of the next BETTER batch, but they should put you in charge of marketing.
I feel compelled to admit that on my initial read through, I could have sworn you wrote “… a rather large box of your comfortmate penis.” After mentally correcting it to “penises” and then wondering if it should instead be “peni”, I decided I should probably go back and reread that sentence. Thank you for including the picture or I might have been up all night trying to figure out just how you were writing with one of those things!
I’m sure they’ll enjoy such a well written complaint. I bet they get a lot of
“lol u guyz suk cuz ur pens dunt eraze well.”
My mom is the queen of complaining and writing letters. One time she wrote a letter to a grocery store complaining that their meat was really fatty and this dude came to our house with a box of meat to say sorry. It was also all very fatty but there’s nothing really better than a box of apology meat right? Fatty or not.
I like your letter.
*Trying very hard not to combine the “apology meat” with the penis comment*
I figured anybody with the tedious job of reading complaint letters all day might appreciate something from someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously. I know I would appreciate that. …Of course, I’ve also been sorely disappointed that I couldn’t give any marks to students who have replaced test questions with “draw a picture of an elephant” and proceeded to do so. I just critiqued their elephant.
So I was thinking that you should become a professional complaint writer- I would snort milk out my nose if I got a letter like that! Of course, you should include pictures next time.
i thought that was AWESOME and i’d put money on the fact that the papermate folks would rather receive a letter with some laughs rather than something that threatens them with bodily harm or the like. i guess what i’m saying is I’D give you some free pens if you sent that to me.
Wonderful! I can’t wait to hear if you get a reply.