I think my spam filter’s kind of an ass.

So the spam filter I installed is getting enough press now that I figured I may as well formally introduce it to you all.  I get a lot of spam comments these days.  …Okay, maybe not a lot in the grander scheme of things, but many per day.  Enough at least that deleting them became WAY too onerous, and that the few strange random Russian ones were outweighed by many others with far less unintentional entertainment value.  But rather than forcing captchas on every comment, I figured I would give a filter a go at it first and see if that reduced the volume enough that I wouldn’t have to bother.  So jointly the filter and I confer, and come up with key words that we think spam stuff would contain, and force commenters using those words to prove that they’re human.  If certain spam messages are still getting through, I add new words to the forbidden list.

Easy enough, right?  The first suggested taboo words it came with were the predictable viagra, nude, porn, porno, pussy, upskirt, and such.  Mwa-ha-ha, I thought.  Take that, spammy people!

…Except two factors foiled my otherwise brilliant preventative measures.  One, the spammy people have apparently figured this out, and daily insult my intelligence by sending comments to the effect of “Dude, your site is the awesomest site ever in the history of awesome sites.  …buy my stuff!” designed to stroke my ego so much that I can’t wait to tell all my friends that BuyPharmacuticalsOnline thinks I’m awesome.  Note that nowhere in there do they refer to pussies.  Not once.  Very inconsiderate.

My second dilemma is that it would appear that I am spending and unprecedentedly low amount of time talking about young horny co-eds and the nude porno pussy they have upskirt.  Because so far almost all of the advertisements I’ve been targeted with involve anxiety cures, whole foods, or holistic medicine.  That and handbags.  Knock-off handbags.  I am reasonably certain at least half of North America wants to sell me a handbag.

So consequently, you can imagine how the list of common words used in spam comments progressed.  I think the challenge now is to see whether you can find a comment that doesn’t trigger a captcha check (Here’s a hint – talk about cock!).  Possibly, that means it would make sense to go over to an all-captcha system, but the growing banned words list now amuses me highly enough that I’m both loathe to part with it, and far too interested in where it will progress from here.

So until I tire of giggling at my common spam phrases, for those who want to avoid the dreaded captcha checks, I present to you some…

Handy Tips on Accepted Internet Etiquette According to my Spam Comments Filter

1. Emotional Umbrella prefers a rough, no-holds barred approach.  And it’s a bit of a masochist.  Thus, words like “good,” “great,” “wonderful,” “useful,” and “interesting” should be strictly avoided.  “You suck” is a supported alternative.

2. Do not mention vitamins, health, or wellness.  My website only wants to talk to you if you’ll be dead by 35.  “Pharmacy,” “immune,” and “antioxidants” make it appear that you have something to live for and are thus taboo.

3. It is important to appear hip and dangerous at all times.  Common suburban phrases are a dead giveaway.  Try swapping out things like “lawn,” “keys,” and “handbag” for more acceptable alternatives, like “crib,” “bling,” and “crackpipe.”

4. Do not appear cultured, refined, employed, or even likeable.  “Tea,” “insight,” “English,” “reading,” “job,” and “friends” are all off limits.

5. Keep in mind that only pussies say things like “helpful,” “nice,” “sharing,” or “thank you.”  …And as mentioned above, pussies aren’t allowed here.

6. Avoid anything that could be interpreted as appreciation for the natural world.  “Eco,” “view,” and “vacation” are strongly frowned upon.  “Natural” is right out.  Even thinking about “crystals” could land you a stoning.  …Or it would if stones weren’t so damned natural.

7. You may not “agree,” give “advice,” or make “suggestions.”  Only unconstructive criticism is acceptable here.

8. Whatever you do, do not admit to an understanding of science.  Mention of “research,” “gravity,” “energy,” or “evolution” will not be tolerated.

9. In fact, keep all speech to a minimum.  No mentioning “stuff.”  Only comments without any stuff in them will be approved.

So there you have it.  Hopefully this will prove helpful to those of you looking to navigate my comments without need to prove your humanity.  Clearly, it should also improve my target demographic.  Now if only they could afford internet access…

Also, in other news of other places, this post totally made me think of the time I went to pick up my heavily drugged husband after dental surgery and walked in to find him happily grooving away to the beep of his heart monitor.  If I didn’t already love him, I think that probably would have sealed it.

And while I’m in a linking mood, here’s this.  And this.  And this.  …Which have nothing to do with cute stories of either me or my husband, but have made me snicker recently regardless.

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6 Responses to “I think my spam filter’s kind of an ass.”

  1. I’m scared to comment now. Can I say “cock” or no? I don’t know what to do. COCK. There. Did it go through?

  2. Curiosity says:

    Awesome.

    I think now you should all just try to get called out on as many words as possible while still being relevant. We’ll keep track of the current record. …Or play “guess which one’s forbidden” with your comments. Or something.

    Or I should just force a captcha every time, but where’s the fun in that?

  3. Zannah says:

    “Natural is right out.” You kill me. And you made my morning. Too bad the 22-year-olds I’m working with wouldn’t understand why I’m giggling.

  4. steff says:

    im not sure why this thought popped into my head exactly but since there’s been all this talk of cocks and pussies it reminded me of how my kindergarten teacher used to call a popular part of the female anatomy a “vragina”*. i bet you didn’t think about adding vragina to your list of filtered words.

    *please note that the inappropriate creepiness of my kindergarten teacher discussing either vaginas OR vraginas in front of children is not lost on me.
    you don’t even want to know what the lesson for that day consisted of. let’s just say there were pictures involved. no wonder im so fucked up.

  5. tattytiara says:

    I think I’m going to apply those tips generally to my life and call it a manifesto.

  6. fr8d says:

    ROTFL!

    And the best piece about spam filters is that (I’m a medical doctor), it filters all emails related to pharmacology… I have to dig in my spam folder to rescue those non-spam emails!

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