Graaaaaaaah!!
So I recognize that I spend an inordinate amount of time talking about ants these days, but
A) They’re really only present in the office, so when I sit down at the computer, I have generally been suddenly and frustratingly reminded about them; and
B) Our property is apparently home to the STUPIDIST ANTS EVER.
So stupid, in fact, that they are too stupid to die. I am first-hand witnessing the fall of natural selection.
We finally found some ant traps and liquid poison that seem potentially effective (unlike the damned Raid things that were the only ones left last year and could pretty much be loaded with brussel sprouts for all the ants care). First off, had to chase the freaking ant with a trap to get it to pay attention to it while it attempted to go about its merry ant way. Once it found it, though, I thought we were in business. Within less than five minutes (no joke) there were five other ants feasting out of it. …Which is disturbing on its own, since there were apparently five ants within shouting distance. At any rate, an hour later, there was a whole train of ants, running down the window to the trap and back up again, presumably to their little ant home, and their hungry-for-poison ant queen. Don’t notice that their sweet sticky bounty came out of a box that says “ant traps.” Can’t read there, can you ants?? Natural Selection 1; Ants 0. Yay!
So this morning I eagerly check the trap, and there are no ants visiting it. …Which seems like a good thing until I look around and there is an ant on my wall. And one on my desk. Just happily going about their business of exploring my stationary supplies. And no one is visiting the poison centre anymore, presumably because there are now seven ant corpses drowned in it. I will give a point here to both natural selection and the ants, since they have cleverly avoided the poison, but because they were killing themselves in it before it had time to work. Natural Selection 2; Ants 1
So I sigh heavily and once again begin the process of chasing ants with ant traps. I know that they say to just leave it where you’ve seen them go, but I’ve tried that, and they are blasted oblivious to them. So I pick up the ant on the trap. Here ant, yummy delicious food product… And the ant wiggles its arms, and looks around, and curiously wanders around the top of the trap for a while before giving up and heading in another direction. Not because it couldn’t smell the food and wasn’t interested in it, but because it was too stupid to find the spot where it could get some. Natural Selection 2; Ants 2
I continue this for a while, then break down and decide that “plastic thing with a hole” is too complicated for these ants. These are the “repeated kindergarten due to frequently putting paste in eye” sort of ants. So I start chasing them down with the bottle of liquid. Ant walks past that corner, I put a glob in that corner. Ant walks along the edge of the closet, I put a glob at the edge of the closet. I have to limit myself to closed off spaces since our cats are often too curious for their own good, but the ants are safer walking along baseboards anyway, so I figure I’m good. Except that many of them seem to like walking right past me and through the open floor in the middle of the room. Natural Selection 2; Ants 3
This leads me to continued ant watching, as now that there is poison around, I want to watch them eat it RIGHT NOW. Because natural selection apparently didn’t equip me with ant-killing patience. And you know what most of these ants are doing? Not looking for food, or heading to better feeding grounds, or seeking out – oh I don’t know – the KITCHEN, like smart little ants who shouldn’t be dead by now. No. They are walking. In circles. Tiny, little circles. Round and round. Like they can smell the pheromones in their own ass and are proudly following orders to join them. Natural Selection 2; Ants 4
And yes, let’s mention again that they appear to be thriving happily despite spending all of their time in our office, which is clearly the most nutrient-rich room in our house. Natural Selection 2; Ants 5
And just now, finally, one of the little guys touring the corner discovered that there are goodies there, and ran off up the wall to tell his friends. And then fell off. And ran up the wall. And fell off. …He’s still at it. Natural Selection 2; Ants 6
Despite the amount that I seem to feel compelled to mention it, the problem is not devastating this year. They have not spread, and are not forming up en masse. But at any point that I’m in the office, I can look around and will see between zero and three little black ants, doing their thing. And that’s annoying. And I want them to go away.
The most frustrating part is that now that there is bait around that they’re supposed to be spreading, I can’t kill them. At least not all of them. That one on my monitor, though, he was asking to pay.
