How Things Look In My Head
I am not always very good at bouncing back from things. It isn’t easy to get things done at the moment. The combination of feeling overwhelmed and burnt out makes it difficult for me to be inspired, and throwing the extra intense depression from the medication withdrawal on top of that means I’m pretty much useless these days. There are still things to be done, though, and because I am an idiot, I keep adding them to my mental list and expecting at some point that I will do them.
You see how I am using angry language with myself there? That is called “labeling.” It is one of those things that I am supposed to avoid. And you see how right now I don’t give a shit? That is called “not bouncing back.”
I had it in my mind that I would get some of my paperwork done today. In particular, I need to send in a bunch of receipts to me insurance company so that we can get reimbursed for the cost. If it’s more than one calendar year since the purchase, we can no longer claim them. And since I’ve been at this whole “treatment for depression” thing for almost exactly one year now, the time is drawing near. I have been avoiding it for pretty much the entire 365 days so far. It always seemed like a windfall of positive feelings must be just around the corner. And that I could use those feelings to do good things. Like paperwork
At any rate, to give me a chance at accomplishing this, I have spent the past several days building up to it. I need to let the concept rattle around in there for a while, to give me time to get comfortable with it. I need to plan, and prepare, and learn where the insurance papers go to get water so that I can sneak up behind them for the attack. I was ready today, when the designated time came. I laid out everything nicely before me. I fetched a good pen. I brought envelopes.
Problem is, I am currently terrible about holding things together when one tiny something goes emotionally wrong. Something minor happened with my husband while doing this paperwork. Something that made me feel momentarily like I should be having an easier time getting it done, and that the difficulties I’ve been having clearly make me defective (note that he did not make me feel this way. I did. His comment was perfectly innocent in any reasonable context).
And that’s it. No paperwork, no activities, no nice evening, no tasty dinner. I am trapped in a bubble of sadness and frustration and the occasional violent thought about putting my head through the front window (which is a new one for me…kind of scary). I no longer feel like I am capable of completing any of that insurance stuff. Intellectually I recognize that the situation is really the same as it was half an hour ago, and I feel like I should just be able to do it anyway, but the concept seems laughable. I’m just not up to it right now. Maybe tomorrow.
I just wish that I knew how to bounce back. When I’m feeling well, I bounce just fine. Tonight I make more of an emotional plopping sound, and then slowly start to drip on other things.
And yes, I know that there are some cognitive techniques that can help me right now. I could be grounding, or disputing my thoughts, or any number of other things. Some of this I actually have done. Some I have not.
And I don’t give a shit. Not right now. I guess that’s the complication, isn’t it?
