This is not a fun post. It has no undercurrent of humour. But I’m posting it anyway, because this is the reality of the illness I’m going through. Every day is a different ride.
I feel so lost right now. I feel like my head is ready to explode with all the pressure. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like maybe I’m indulging the depression too much, and I should somehow be strong enough to get moving anyway like I used to. But all I could seem to do today was sleep on the couch and feel awful about it. I feel like I should be pushing myself harder…or not beating myself up so much. Some of the books I’ve been reading suggest really letting yourself feel the depression fully. I’m not sure I can even do that anymore. I try, and I’m sort of crying, but not really. I can’t quite seem to get there. And then I feel guilty, and like I’m feeling sorry for myself.
I just don’t know what to do right now. Every day is so different. Yesterday I accomplished a lot, relatively speaking, and I felt okay. Proud of myself. Today was a whole different world. I just want to DO something. Anything. Please. I just wish that I knew what to DO about it. I’m a very determined person at my core. If I knew what direction I was supposed to go in, I would go there. I’ve read everything I can get my hands on, and I have no idea tonight. I can’t even seem to take the pressure off of myself and decide to just relax tonight and take good care of myself. I can’t read right now. I can’t watch TV. I can’t clean. I can’t take a bath. I can’t seem to do anything at all, and it’s driving me crazy. I’m just a little ball of guilt and loneliness and frustration.
I miss my husband. He’s still away on work and wrote to tell me the trip has been extended until Friday, and I’ve been trying so hard to be strong and together, but it’s REALLY NOT A GOOD TIME, and I miss him terribly. I don’t think I fully let myself feel how much until I wrote that.
My depression has been getting so much worse lately, and I feel like the whole system has abandoned me. We’re in debt up to our eyeballs from my illness already, and I can’t afford to keep seeing my therapist. We’re in danger of running out of credit if I do. I’ve still been going once every 2-3 weeks anyway, but it’s adding tons to my stress because of the financial strain. I’m on a huge number of waiting lists, but nobody will help me unless I’m ready to take my life. I don’t want to take my life, but I’m starting to want to hurt myself and it scares the crap out of me. I don’t want to let it get to the point where I’m ready to do something more drastic. Can’t they help me stop it before then??
Writing this post has made me cry at least. I’m sobbing alone in my house now. I’ve scared away my cat. It feels better than having it all trapped inside, I guess. I try so hard to be strong, but I need help right now. I can’t do this alone. I feel like I wish that somebody would just step in and take over the reigns of my life right now. I don’t know what they could do even if there was somebody to do that, but it feels like it would help.
I really need help.
Please, somebody help me.
I don’t know how to help myself.