Posts Tagged ‘epiphanies’


Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

I am internally curled up in a little ball of anticipation.  And attempts to quell my anticipation.  And then more anticipation again.  But I think the Wellbutrin might be working.  Shhhh.  Don’t scare it.

In worth-it-anyway-if-it-actually-makes-me-feel-better news, I am also doing the bright-eyed 4am Wellbutrin Wake-Up again.  I was up for over two hours this morning, between 4 and around 6:30, at which point I promptly fell into a shake-me-at-your-own-peril, drooling sleep of death between snoozes on the alarm clock (which was set to go of at 6:20).

The interesting thing about the early morning thinkfests is how vividly different they are from any of my usual bouts of occasional insomnia.  Generally if I have difficulty sleeping it’s because I’m having trouble shutting my brain down.  So I’m thinking too much, or planning too much, or worrying too much, but I’m tired.  And the longer it goes on, the more I’m desperately wanting to JUST BE ASLEEP ALREADY.

With the Wellbutrin in my system, I do have difficulty stopping my brain from thinking, but that’s because it is POWERED WITH MAGIC.  And puppies.  And maybe a Kenyan.  It is this, in my brain, all night long.  I do some amazingly clear thinking at those times, though.  For some reason my mind works twenty times better in those hours than it ever has in my daylight life (This is a factor of the Wellbutrin, not the time of day.  I have been awake previously at 4am.  It was not productive.).  I easily manipulate information in these hours, and see the essence of problems, and have a vast pool of creativity, with extra creativity dripping out the edges because that’s JUST HOW CREATIVE I AM.

I make plans in these hours while I’m lying there in bed, and make peace with my whole life, and appreciate others, and solve the world’s problems (and sometimes I blog).  And in the most amazing of amazing twists, it all still makes sense in the morning (except that I have more difficulty grasping it all at once)!  Unlike the stuff I usually scrawl down on the paper beside my bed while in a sleepy haze.  Have you ever had one of those moments where you think you’ve just come up with something totally fantastic, and then wake up the next morning to find out that it involved elephants.  And pastry.  And that you were probably still a little asleep?  I have.

My brain just plain works better in those hours.  Someday I should get out of bed and take an I.Q. test, just to see…  I seriously think it could be many points higher.  Or maybe it’s just a right-brain thing and I’d bomb the test, but either way it would be interesting to see.

At the moment, I am going to get an extra cup of caffeine.  Because as much as coming up with practical ways to eliminate the concept of “mistakes” from my life is useful and all, those extra two hours of sleep would have been handy too.