I wish sometimes that human beings came with a little view screen that displayed what’s really going on in there.
“Oh – I don’t really want these nachos, I’m just lonely”
“Oh – I’m cleaning this floor so intently to avoid dealing with those incomplete forms on my desk”
”Oh – it’s the Flintstones theme song”
Sometimes I think I know what’s going on in my head, but at other times I’m totally lost. And my head lies. Frequently. And well.
I’ve been feeling lately like I didn’t really have time to write here (or to do much of anything else, really) because I’m trying to get the house in order after our move, and am eager to have things in some vague level of livability. I think that’s part of it, but I also think that I have been MUCH more stressed out about other life events than I’ve fully realized. I wonder if my workaholic nature is often affected this way.
There’s been a lot of financial stress lately on this end. Since the allergic reaction to my meds, the prognosis for my return to work has changed dramatically. The financial situation was not entirely rosy to begin with having just purchased our first house, and the extra costs associated with trying to get me better so far had significantly chewed through any reserves we may have had. So now we’re up to our eyeballs in debt, and weighing significantly any purchase of items for the house. Do we really need a lawn mower? Could we cut each blade by hand? Maybe we could get a goat…
If I can’t go back to work as intended, that will leave me without pay for a period of time before long term disability insurance benefits would kick in. That’s thousands of dollars difference in our income for that time, and still a significant difference after even once the insurance payments start (provided all goes smoothly and I’m quickly approved). Thank goodness that I even have that, is all that I can say. I can’t imagine working through something like this without that safety net. We’d lose our house, our car,…just about everything but each other.
At any rate, as thinly stretched as we are, the extra strain is going to be significant. I think in part I’ve been trying to be strong for my husband. I know that the possibility of my being off work longer stresses him RIGHT THE FUCK OUT. He’s had a couple of mini-meltdowns because of it, and I can’t help but feeling on some level like it’s all my fault. I’ve been trying to be the voice of optimism, and focus externally on how we’ll get through it and everything will be okay. It could be much worse. If nothing else comes up, it will be very survivable.
I just spoke with the Disability Services Manager (or something like that) from my employer, though, and when she told me about another financial hit, I turned into a wet, tearful mess on the phone. I’ve acknowledged that I’ve been putting off filling out the disability forms and making that particular phone call, but I hadn’t quite realized how much the whole thing was still eating at me. I think in my attempts at previous survival, I’ve gotten quite adept at shoving things aside and burying them as quickly as possible. Not so good for the long term benefit.
So I’m going to eat a peanut butter sandwich now (because finances are tight), and sit down for a minute to do something that isn’t work related to try to pull myself together (because finances are tight and that stresses me RIGHT THE FUCK OUT).
In an hour and a half I have to face down the contractor who’s trying to get out of fixing the damage his workers have done to our house and belongings.
Because I’m the together one right now.
And that stresses me right the fuck out.