Posts Tagged ‘insecurities’

Undisputed Overlord of All Things Mindful

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

My desktop computer’s having some issues.  Nothing that The Man can’t fix for me, but for the next few days at least I’m thinking it’s probably safer to just not turn it on.  I’m in an odd sort of computer-limbo anyway these days, as since starting to use the laptop, I hardly ever bother with my desktop anymore.  But everything else is still stored on there.  Including Outlook with all my e-mail.  It’s basically a great big e-mail machine right now.  With its own room.  …But it seemed like an important room at the time.  In my defence my husband’s desktop is in there too. The desktop that he doesn’t use much either since he got a laptop from work.  Sigh.

The laptop we own is a few years out of date and was the absolute cheapest possible option at that time, though (it was really just for word processing and playing videos at our wedding.  …Separately, that is.  There was no word processing at our wedding that I know of), so I don’t think I’m likely to be able to sever ties from the E-Mail and Storage Machine anytime soon.  Also, any video games I indulge in must be really, really old.

The downside to trying to make do without Outlook for a while is that I have a billion different e-mail addresses for different things (give or take 999,999,990).  I like different stuff to have a different address.  Makes me feel all organized, or compartmentalized, or something else that’s good and ends in ized.  Stuff from this website, stuff from my real life, stuff that’s sketchy or likely to generate spam… I have a lot more addresses to check regularly than patience to do it one at a time.  I think I have successfully set up things to forward to one address for a while.  Probably took longer to do than it would have to just find out what needs to be done with my computer and fix it, but ah well.  And yes, of course, I created a new e-mail address just for forwarding things to. :)

I saw the new therapist again (who I suppose will soon need a reference that doesn’t involve the word “new.”  She could be the Hugging Therapist, maybe.  She seems fond of hugging me).  I have the issue that receiving positive feedback and the feeling that I’m doing a good job makes me super crazy happy, but any indication (however small) that there’s more that I could be doing makes me feel terrible.  So this was a great session.  A deliriously happy session.   I’m not sure it was for entirely healthy reasons, but I’m happy this week.  In line with my distortedly high expectations for myself, I am also going to do the BEST JOB AT GETTING BETTER EVER.  I’m torn on whether or not this is a problem.

The hyper SAM-e energy continues. I’m starting to really love this stuff. The thoughts about my future continue also, as a result of the increased energy. It’s really hard to tell what I might be capable of if I actually had a normal amount of energy and a stable mood all the time. It’s amazing what a person can adjust to as “normal.”

Some of my biggest worries are that I won’t be able to do a good job, or that people will be dissatisfied, or that I won’t measure up to my competitors anymore.  …But if I look at them objectively, there’s no reason at all to believe that.  I’m good at work stuff.  That’s one of my strengths.  It comes from my insanely high expectations of myself.  Realistically, I imagine that any service I provide will end up being extremely high quality compared to the rest of what’s out there.  Because I’m like that.  And as much as I would ideally like to tone that down a little, the likelihood of my doing a crappy job with this stuff is slim.  If I was taking on a carpentry business or something else I’m not at all trained for, maybe.  …Though even then, I imagine with the amount of preparation it’s in my nature to do, I might even be okay.   I think truly the biggest danger to my success with this is self-doubt and getting in my own way.

Like usual, then.

Sometimes I wonder what I would be capable of if I was a completely confident person. And not just because I’d be the only one on the planet who could claim that.  ….Well, maybe one of a few.  But I bet the other couple are douchebags.

Beloved

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010

I hesitate greatly before writing anything negative here.  I don’t like to let on that I’m sad sometimes, or struggling, or that I have any weaknesses.  Yes.  I have labeled this a “depression blog” and don’t want to admit that I’m sad sometimes.  Because of the shock.  And the surprise.  Part of me is trapped even here in that “I’m fine, how are you?” mode of being that just about every depressed person cultivates.  Because it does not ever seem okay to honestly let out how you are.

Tonight I am wondering why I cannot seem to keep any sense of permanence that my husband loves me.  I know intellectually that he does, and if anyone asked me I would go on and on about it, but every now and then my world view slips a little, and slowly begins to shift things under the surface, and then one evening I realize that I am not in RealityLand anymore.  The worst part is that because I clearly recognize that the doubts are irrational, I try to ignore them, and repress them, which means that most of the time they end up festering somewhere in a forgotten corner of my mind.  And I just find myself worrying one night that maybe we don’t really have a fully trusting relationship anymore, or that maybe he is frustrated or fed up with me, or on some level just doesn’t want to deal with me anymore.  I worry that he’s going through the motions because he’s devoted like that, but that he doesn’t actually enjoy my company.

And the part of me that knows the depression gets the better of me sometimes backs those worries up.

Is it really SO hard for me to truly believe that somebody could actually love me?  That I’m worthy, and likable?  Why am I suddenly and completely unexpectedly bursting into tears when he calls and tells me that he’s still my person.  Why does that make my eyes water again writing it now?  I so badly want for him to be my person.  What twisted part of me thinks it’s not true?

Damn my father for never being anything but irritated with me when I was little and we still lived with him.  Damn the bully who followed me home every day in eighth grade telling me over and over how worthless and ugly and unlikable I was.  And damn myself for believing it, and carrying it around with me for so long.

I recognize it.  I acknowledge that it’s messed up, and not helpful.  …I just wish that I could figure out how to make it go away.

Hello My Name Is…not actually Curiosity

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

I realized driving home today that basically all I’ve done all day is meditate, read about meditating/growth, and think about meditating/growth.  No wonder I felt unusually calm (in contrast to the rest of this week when all I’ve done all day is unpack, think about unpacking, and long for more caffeine and a functioning shower.  No reading about unpacking yet.  I’ll get back to you next week).

The book I’m working through suggests choosing an issue, and in classic Yoda style of “do or do not – there is no try,” just making the commitment to actually take the steps necessary to fix it – making behavioral choices that move you in the direction of who and what you want to be.  Seems obvious, but holy unnerving to think about for some things.  Seriously?  You want me to give up my perfectionism and overworking?  When my whole house is in boxes and we’ve got friends coming over in a couple of weeks?  I like that one.  It’s my pet issue.  Good issue.  Back in your cage.  Mommy won’t let you go anywhere just yet.

In thinking over potential issues to change, I did realize that I try to hide some more than others – from myself and from everybody else.  Particularly things that I really don’t like in myself, or that I feel represent only a part of my personality that I don’t want people to generalize about.  The things that would leave me cringing for weeks if I found out someone thought that about me, but that maybe have a grain of truth from time to time.  Those are probably the ones that make the most sense to change, but dang if admitting to those tiny grains isn’t a tough prospect.  Of course, this is the same book that once suggested taking your deepest insecurities and writing them on a “Hello, my name is” style nametag and wearing them around in public for a day or two.  Bold.

In the spirit of liberation through excessive sharing, I would dread people seeing me as…

1)  Dependent on my mate

2)  Sometimes not entirely financially responsible

3)  Socially awkward/shy/anxious at times

Largely because I like to see myself at most times as a fiercely capable, strong and independent woman, who makes responsible life choices and appears at some times very confident with other people.   Fiercely capable of making the responsible decision to confidently eat my money while cowering behind my husband because there are…people…out….there.