Posts Tagged ‘numbness’

Living from five feet removed

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

I had promised myself that I would try to write today, but I woke up holy tired from a truly bizarre set of dreams involving death and show tunes (no kidding), and have been feeling a little numb all day.  I had wondered if perhaps I would notice more of a withdrawal effect in the final weeks of Luvox, when I graduated from Luvox nugget to Luvox flake.  It’s damned difficult to differentiate one tiny sliver of medication from another and accurately judge which one is probably larger.  Additionally, my pill cutter has some kind of crazy problem trying to cleanly cut something that’s not all that much larger than the width of the blade.  Go figure.  At any rate, I’m thinking that may be what today is.

I’ve been trying to push myself to spend my time in a wider range of activities lately.  Perhaps to ensure that I’m getting as much fulfillment and motivation as possible.  Perhaps due to that part of my brain that thinks it’s perfectly reasonable to expect that I might learn a language, or write a novel, or start a giraffe farm while I’m off on medical leave.

…Okay, I will admit that last statement isn’t entirely accurate.  I should specify that in the vision I should easily do all of those things.  At once.  While making lattes.

At any rate, the goal has been to branch out and see if I’m missing out on anything randomly fulfilling and/or ensure that I’m making the best and most beneficial use of my time.  Today is not a branching day, though.  Today is some kind of mutant tree with a very, very long and branchless trunk leading up to a canopy of blankets and tv.  It is a day for letting the world be sort of surreal, and watching it go by with distant curiosity.  But I’m okay with it.

Apathetic

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

Do you ever have one of those times where you almost don’t want to post to your blog because you’ll likely be edging out the one decent post hanging on at the bottom of the page, and part of you thinks that this will be the week that a million different people decide randomly to find you, and they would have all been hooked if they could just have read that post?  Except, you don’t know which post it is exactly that people would actually be interested in reading?  So you post this anyway?

Sometimes I feel like I’m about to push a good mood off the page, and that makes me sad.

Mostly today I’m just feeling a little like a whiny five-year-old, trying to avoid all of those oh-so-huge responsibilities I’ve heaped on myself.  Five-year-olds hate that stuff – like eating unusually-shaped vegetables, and wearing socks, and posting to one’s depression blog.  Damned okra.  What vegetable has the right to look like a deep sea creature anyway?

I’m feeling a lot more these days like I am trying very hard to go through the motions of being “normal,” but I’m not entirely sure how much good its really doing me.  Mostly that seems to mean that I would look presentable if anyone were to surprise me at the door, and smile when answering phone calls, but I’m not actually doing much more than moving from task to task with little real involvement or thought.  I’m just not really in the mood for a lot of self-reflection and analysis right now, and that’s really all that usually makes me feel like I’m moving forward.   I feel a little foggy.  Faded.  Grey.

(I had a friend once who when asked how he took his coffee would jokingly answer “Black. …like my future!!”  Cracks me up every time.)

It’s difficult to post here when I’m grey, because lack of self-reflection means limited new developments to report.  And then I start doing things like writing about my cats.  And really…no good can come of that.

Tomorrow I will be spending with a friend of mine and her unfairly cute baby.  That is not unexpected, as she is also pretty unfairly good-looking.  She and her husband could be plastic, and boxed up, and sold in department stores.  I will name her as a “friend” since that is probably her official designation.  It’s funny, though, what a broad variety of meanings that word can have.  We see each other maybe a few times a year.  We knew each other well in high school and sort-of-well in University.  So she is my friend.  I always feel a little self-conscious around her, though.  Maybe because I associate her with that awkward period in high school when I was self-conscious in about everything in general.  Maybe because she could be plastic and boxed up and sold to my child someday.

Ah well.  At the very least, my life is a creature of variety these days.  So while this particular phase kind of sucks, there is sure to be an entirely different one within a week or two.  It’s a little odd living at such extremes of emotion, but at least having most of my moods at the mercy of changes in medication means that whatever they are, they will be temporary.

The socks, though,…I’m thinking they’re here to stay.  An unfortunate business, that.

Not So Strong

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

This is not a fun post.  It has no undercurrent of humour.  But I’m posting it anyway, because this is the reality of the illness I’m going through.  Every day is a different ride.

I feel so lost right now.  I feel like my head is ready to explode with all the pressure.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  I feel like maybe I’m indulging the depression too much, and I should somehow be strong enough to get moving anyway like I used to.  But all I could seem to do today was sleep on the couch and feel awful about it.  I feel like I should be pushing myself harder…or not beating myself up so much.  Some of the books I’ve been reading suggest really letting yourself feel the depression fully.  I’m not sure I can even do that anymore.  I try, and I’m sort of crying, but not really.  I can’t quite seem to get there.  And then I feel guilty, and like I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I just don’t know what to do right now.  Every day is so different.  Yesterday I accomplished a lot, relatively speaking, and I felt okay.  Proud of myself.  Today was a whole different world.  I just want to DO something.  Anything.  Please.  I just wish that I knew what to DO about it.  I’m a very determined person at my core.  If I knew what direction I was supposed to go in, I would go there.  I’ve read everything I can get my hands on, and I have no idea tonight.  I can’t even seem to take the pressure off of myself and decide to just relax tonight and take good care of myself.  I can’t read right now.  I can’t watch TV.  I can’t clean.  I can’t take a bath.  I can’t seem to do anything at all, and it’s driving me crazy.  I’m just a little ball of guilt and loneliness and frustration.

I miss my husband.  He’s still away on work and wrote to tell me the trip has been extended until Friday, and I’ve been trying so hard to be strong and together, but it’s REALLY NOT A GOOD TIME, and I miss him terribly.  I don’t think I fully let myself feel how much until I wrote that.

My depression has been getting so much worse lately, and I feel like the whole system has abandoned me.   We’re in debt up to our eyeballs from my illness already, and I can’t afford to keep seeing my therapist.  We’re in danger of running out of credit if I do.  I’ve still been going once every 2-3 weeks anyway, but it’s adding tons to my stress because of the financial strain.  I’m on a huge number of waiting lists, but nobody will help me unless I’m ready to take my life.  I don’t want to take my life, but I’m starting to want to hurt myself and it scares the crap out of me.  I don’t want to let it get to the point where I’m ready to do something more drastic.  Can’t they help me stop it before then??

Writing this post has made me cry at least.  I’m sobbing alone in my house now.  I’ve scared away my cat.  It feels better than having it all trapped inside, I guess.  I try so hard to be strong, but I need help right now.  I can’t do this alone.  I feel like I wish that somebody would just step in and take over the reigns of my life right now.  I don’t know what they could do even if there was somebody to do that, but it feels like it would help.

I really need help.

Please, somebody help me.

I don’t know how to help myself.