Posts Tagged ‘scheduling’

Where do ruffled introverts go when they stay in the hospital?

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

The husband and I are heading up to a friend’s cottage this weekend for most of the coming week.  I like to tentatively lay out to-do lists for the remaining days in situations like these.  I find it reassuring to see that I still have plenty of time to get done what needs to get done before we leave, and know that I’ve got a handle on things.  Ambiguous needs stress me out a little.  Probably because I’m not the type of person who will go into that situation by doing the ambiguous but needful stuff first.  I’m more likely to be doing more entertaining things until the last possible moment.  At any rate, we’re getting close to departure now, which means I’ve entered the stage of revising my to-do lists so as to put as much as possible tomorrow rather than today.  This also is a common feature of this type of time.  My schedules tend to be a little front-loaded on the more enjoyable activities. =)

It should be a good week.  I’m never 100% certain with this particular grouping of people.  They were good friends of my husband’s before we met, and have gradually become better friends of mine, but we’re not quite all the way there yet.  Sometimes I feel liked, and included, and have a lot of fun.  Sometimes I feel a little left out.  They all share some common interests and activities that I share, and some that I can’t really relate to or participate in (online games, etc. that I don’t play).  So it generally depends on what the current topics of discussion are.  It probably doesn’t help that when I was first getting to know them I inadvertently rubbed one of them the wrong way by reminding him of somebody he didn’t like.  And I get totally awkward when I pick up that somebody’s not liking me.  Awk-ward.  I’m not the type of person who can just let that roll off them yet.

But we’re okay now.  …Probably.  I think.

Saw the new therapist again the other day.  She seems quite good.  In addition to the daily walking, and other activities, and goal-setting, and journaling, and independence-building, this week she’s assigned me the task of going into as many different stores or other establishments as I can and asking as many obvious questions as I can, building up to the stupidest questions I can think of.  I’m not a big fan of appearing incompetent, or of asking other people for help, so the combination is probably a good one.  …Even if it does mean that yesterday I had to ask the Starbucks people what I should order if I want a steamed milk (turns out it’s “steamed milk”).  Actually, I believe what I wanted was a tall, no-whip, hazelnut crème, one pump.  But who am I to tell her that.

I think I’m going to have some fun with this while we’re away.  Too much blatant stupidity is rough in a smallish area where people know who I am, but out in the middle of cottage country…  Heh heh heh.  “So…Do you know who drains the lake in the winter?”  The trick is that I’ll have to make them realistic enough that they think that I’m serious.  I know that there’s at least a grocery store.  Suggestions for grocery-themed dumb questions welcome.

Also, do any of you know where they keep the internet when I’m not using it?

Living from five feet removed

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

I had promised myself that I would try to write today, but I woke up holy tired from a truly bizarre set of dreams involving death and show tunes (no kidding), and have been feeling a little numb all day.  I had wondered if perhaps I would notice more of a withdrawal effect in the final weeks of Luvox, when I graduated from Luvox nugget to Luvox flake.  It’s damned difficult to differentiate one tiny sliver of medication from another and accurately judge which one is probably larger.  Additionally, my pill cutter has some kind of crazy problem trying to cleanly cut something that’s not all that much larger than the width of the blade.  Go figure.  At any rate, I’m thinking that may be what today is.

I’ve been trying to push myself to spend my time in a wider range of activities lately.  Perhaps to ensure that I’m getting as much fulfillment and motivation as possible.  Perhaps due to that part of my brain that thinks it’s perfectly reasonable to expect that I might learn a language, or write a novel, or start a giraffe farm while I’m off on medical leave.

…Okay, I will admit that last statement isn’t entirely accurate.  I should specify that in the vision I should easily do all of those things.  At once.  While making lattes.

At any rate, the goal has been to branch out and see if I’m missing out on anything randomly fulfilling and/or ensure that I’m making the best and most beneficial use of my time.  Today is not a branching day, though.  Today is some kind of mutant tree with a very, very long and branchless trunk leading up to a canopy of blankets and tv.  It is a day for letting the world be sort of surreal, and watching it go by with distant curiosity.  But I’m okay with it.

Catgut, Gut, and Cat

Tuesday, May 4th, 2010

I pulled out my guitar today.  It was a good boost to get me off the couch and doing other things.  I seem to be wracked with indecision about what to do lately, and haven’t yet been able to identify why.  Lots of things sound like they would be good in theory, but when it comes down to what to do NOW, I choke a little.  My first instinct is to schedule myself silly to remove the decision, but I imagine that’s one of those “not conducive to a sane existence” things that my therapist would have something to say about.  And I suppose it would be beneficial to get past whatever it is that’s in my way and actually, you know, be able to choose something to do without three days lead up time.

Once upon a time, my psychologist had me trying to get in touch with my gut, attempting to identify what it is I feel like doing in any given moment and go with that.  On a rational level, it seems completely crazy that I wouldn’t know what I want.  I can give you a list of things I’d love to do a week from now, but when I look for those desires on the spot I come up blank and anxious.  Hence my attempt to become the gut whisperer.  So far all we’ve got is gas and the occasional suspicious rumble, but I’ll keep on it.

Anyway, guitar-playing was fun.  For both of us.

Notice the largeness.  And the fluffiness.  And the large fluffiness.

All of your guitars are belonging to us.

Should have stuck to just getting tissue paper and the occasional pair of junk drawer scissors.

Monday, April 5th, 2010

I feel like posting, but am not especially inspired today.  I seem to be missing those initial bursts of energy lately.  My moments of “flow” have ebbed into a sort-of-okay and sometimes not-so-great haze instead.  Which, at best, leaves me writing a lot of sort-of-okay and sometimes not-so-great posts about sort-of-okay and sometimes not-so-great topics.  And more now, to be honest, because I committed to myself that I would try to keep writing, then because I feel especially excited to say anything in particular.

The Luvox trial that was not in any way supposed to support the fact that I am having legitimate withdrawal symptoms supported that I am having legitimate withdrawal symptoms.  So we’re doing it again this week in case it was random chance.  And I was just starting to come to terms with them maybe being correct that I couldn’t be having withdrawal signs again – getting over the what-do-you-mean-my-body’s-not-crazy indignant denial and moving on to you-mean-I-don’t-have-to-go-through-that-again-then acceptance and pleasure.  Nope.  Still in limbo.  How low can you go?

I will say that I had an overall lovely long weekend.  The hubby and I scheduled in a bunch of pleasant activities together.  If we try to choose one on the spot, inevitable I just end up feeling this insurmountable irrational pressure to choose the BEST ACTIVITY EVER.  …And then eventually just end up going with whatever he wants to do.  I need those happy things to keep my spirit alive, though, so the plan-in-advance strategy is working out okay.  Anyway, we sat outside, and read, and talked, and walked, and played games, and went out for breakfast, and laughed together, and even (gasp) had a lot of sex, and just generally hung out and enjoyed each other’s company.  And I felt more alive at the end of yesterday than I have in a very, very long time.  We need to make a point of having more weekends like that.

Granted, even during Happy Fuzzy Bonding Weekend, there were still a couple of temporary disasters.  I think we’re both so run down by everything now that we can’t help but be a little on edge or overly sensitive to any negative sign.  We came through it, though, and although there were a few unpleasant hours in there here and there, it didn’t take over the experience as a whole.  And that’s a good thing.  I am holding onto hope that things will start to get better for us now.

Maybe there will be a Happy Hairless Bondage Weekend on the horizon.  You never know. Also, that statement may or may not make any sense at all.

I think I need to find a way to change my own weekly routine, though.  I can feel the newfound energy starting to fade.  Stupid dollar store mental batteries.


Saturday, March 13th, 2010

My life in a nutshell.  …Or at least in compellingly bad drawings.

I don’t tend to do much internetting on the weekends.  We’re already about two hours short of time for what we had planned to do today, and we’ve only been awake for about three hours (you think I am joking, but I’m not.  Really.  Two hours behind out of three.).  And yes, we schedule these things sometimes.  Because otherwise how will we know to berate ourselves for discussing the future of our car purchases when there was YOGA TO BE DONE?

Conclusions?  If my husband does not get a more comfortable car he will immediately turn into a shriveled old man, and I don’t want THAT, do I?  Also that we do not in any way have the money to get the car that we want.  And that buying a giant old chevy or something makes me feel a little dirty inside.

I sometimes think my life would be significantly improved if I only scheduled more.  Sometimes that it would be significantly improved if  I only scheduled less.  Maybe it depends on what I’m scheduling  (Is there an award for most anal person ever?  Because I am fairly sure the last few statements may have given me an edge… I’m not, really, but I would take your award.  I like awards.).  Left to my own devices I tend to feel pressured to jump from one productive thing to the next, and just end up ignoring work tasks sometimes but feeling super guilty about it rather than enjoying the moment (and by “sometimes” I may be underestimating just a tad).  If there’s something more pleasant on the schedule, then I have no choice but to do it.  And like it.  Because it’s ON THE SCHEDULE.  And you don’t mess with shit like that.

So Oriental. Soooo Sneaky

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

I’m a big in-head conversationalist.  I’m sure that I could solve the world’s problems if someone just gave me an hour or two of long car ride and potentially a can of coke (which is good, because as previously mentioned, I am maybe kind of probably responsible for them).  Mostly right now I focus on the great global travesty of how to convince my psychiatrist that I don’t want another SSRI to try just yet, but you know, I could branch out.  If I wanted to.

Sometimes now just after I finish writing here, everything that happens in my life gets mentally blogged instead.  And let me tell you, that blog would be defectively fascinating.  Like a puppy with two heads, or a scab that looks sort of like a major political figure, or one of those cat hairs that manages to weave its way through my clothes.  Plus, two times more ninjas than I write about here.

I’ve ended up on sort of a de facto schedule lately.  Not the type of schedule that my therapists have gently encouraged me towards (or away from, depending on which side of “all or nothing” I happen to be falling on that week), but it is meshing into something consistent enough that I find myself starting to work around it.  I can’t do that then.  That’s when I wander back and forth jittering.  …Duh.

This morning I am putting my newfound self-enlightenment to work, and experimenting with forcing myself to sit down here and write before the morning coffee has worn off, and the Ritalin starts to take its mid-afternoon downturn.  I think perhaps that I am suffering some of that “ego-centric” side effect loveliness that they mention in relation to things like this that mess with dopamine.  Largely because the times like this that I have the energy to accomplish things like “paperwork” and such, it seems like a solidly poor idea.  I will not debase myself with these “insurance forms you speak of!”  …Then by around 4pm I’m crashed out on the couch in a pile wondering what the hell I was thinking, and making resolutions that clearly I will take care of it tomorrow.

Yes.  Clearly.

So yes, posting here while I have the energy.  On the plus side, it means less mopey-frowny deep analysis of my life and goals and inner workings.  Down side, none of this makes any sense.  …But more ninjas.

Plus, I really know how to let a thing go.