Posts Tagged ‘stress’

Are you my mom or step-father? You should probably close your eyes, then. This post is broken. It causes blindness. And hives. And it’s full of pictures of regurgitated food. On spiders. Singing Ke$ha songs.

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013

…Though I suppose that defense only works if they know who Ke$ha is.

Confession:  I don’t even really know who Ke$ha is.  I am seriously out of date on overplayed pop stars.   Defenses failed.

This is going to be a shorter update than I’d like to give, but it’s the best I can do at the moment.  Physically, am hanging in there.  Have been a bit extra burnt lately.  Of course, there are all kinds of things I’d like to say about this, but the fact that I’m burnt already means I probably shouldn’t.  ;) The overall trend is still going in the right direction, though, and I seem to have a more solid grasp every day of how to keep it that way.

Have been under huge strain for the past few weeks, though.  My husband and I are trying to get my mother and her husband out of their current (very poor) situation, and into somewhere safe and secure and where they’ll be okay from here forward.  And that involves moving them.  And we need to do the house purchasing, because they’re not yet in the country.  And we need to find a way to reliably get one of them into the country, which might be difficult (but immigration will not give a straight answer about it or tell us anything about their chances, only “fill out the forms and we’ll let you know in 6 months”).   And we didn’t know that person didn’t already have citizenship until this morning.  And all of the researching and organizing and phonecalls and planning falls on us.  And the whole thing is dependent on a third party, who is impatient, and self-interested, and sometimes volatile.  And we can’t talk to that third party directly.  And the person who can is also sometimes volatile, and prone to despondency and occasional rash ideas.  It’s been a lot of work, and a lot of stress, and sometimes it feels like herding cats, except instead of herding I have to give the cats thousands of dollars and get them to fill out paperwork.

I am leery of saying any more than that here, because I don’t want what I say to be misconstrued.  And I dearly love my mother (she is not at all volatile.  She is made of innocence and rainbows).

Plus, there’s a slim chance that someday they might accidentally find out this blog exists.  And no good can come of cats reading my venting here.

At any rate, I’m just trying to cope at this point.  And hoping very much that this will all be resolved somehow soon.  The rest of my life has sort of been on pause until then.

Animal Friends. …Just ignore all that other stuff.

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

Combination of very stressed and very leisurely at the moment. I’ve had a couple days off from the previously breakneck speed pacing of the last few weeks, which has been heaven sent. …At least, aside from the realization that knowing what to do with myself with an hour of “free” time is apparently a skill, and one that I am out of practice with. …And the fact that I’m a pretty firm agnostic bordering on atheist, so I am relatively certain nothing in the last few days was actually sent from heaven. Anyway, I’ve been maintaining a bit of low grade perma-stress, feeling like there must be things I am supposed to be doing at all times. I only have two gears, and am not terribly good at shifting them.

Still, refreshing not to have it justified.

Now if only I could also learn to stop worrying about the non-progress on solving any of the weird medical things I’ve been experiencing. And the fact that they all seem to be getting worse. And the fact that such a very high number of apparently extremely unlikely medical things, all significant, all undiagnosed, seem suspiciously unlikely to happen by coincidence for no apparent reason. I don’t actually like to babble about my medical issues here, to be honest. I tend not to even mention most things to my husband until they’re really bad. I’m sort of used to it. I expect it now. But I am starting to realize that being doubled over in pain to the point I can’t breathe is probably not “normal,” whether or not it fits in naturally with my daily existence. And I am starting to wish that somewhere in my circle there was a doctor who would maybe think the same.

This was not intended to be an angry or stressful woe is me post. This is probably why I tend to avoid babbling about these things here. Also, thank goodness for Canadian health care. There’s no WAY I’d be able to pay out of pocket for all of the tests needed to figure me out.

In other news, I was interrupted in writing this post and in that brief hiatus between draft and publish, my car has decided that it no longer wishes to be bothered by such menial things as “starting” and “driving.”  It just got towed to the mechanic.  Fingers crossed that my car is not as stubborn as I am.

Too much negativity in this post. Here are a humorous video clip, amusing photo, and some animals that are friends (seriously – who could be in a bad mood watching animals that are friends??).

I sort of love this picture for some reason.

What’s cuter than elephants and dogs who are buddies?  Not a heck of a lot.

Oh, and just for good measure, here is a picture of my cat doing his sleeping sea otter imitation.  Take that, bad ju ju.

Speak up. No, wait! Speak…More vowelly.

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

I have an odd reaction to distressing events sometimes, I think.  It’s like once they pass a certain threshold, my psyche just doesn’t know what to do with them anymore.  Someone could tell me that my faucet was leaking, and I’d be like “Gaaaaaaah!  Why me??  Why today???”  Someone could tell me my whole house had burnt down, and I’d be like “Oh.  …Do you have any Fritos?”  Some things are just too big and too unchangeable not to just be accepted more or less.

I got Fritos-grade news a couple of days ago.  I spent about a week a few months ago with this intense ringing in my ears, and I’ve had the sneaking suspicion since then that my hearing might be worse.  Or maybe not so much a sneaking suspicion as a very large and slightly drunk suspicion with geese on its feet.  There has been a lot of “huh?” and “what?” and “can you repeat that once I’m off the toilet?” around these parts.

Anyway, I went to see an audiologist on Tuesday, prepared to hear that there had been a slight drop in my hearing, and motivated to jump all over finding out what caused it.  To be honest, I was sort of hoping to hear something to that effect, as I was certain enough that it had to be either my hearing or my mind that I was losing.  And I still use my mind now and then.  What I was not prepared to hear was that I had around forty percent hearing loss, and lets talk about hearing aids, and look they come in pretty colours like Fuchsia and Bread Mold Green.

Forty percent??!  And I can still communicate relatively normally?  Did I have some extra unnecessary hearing I was carrying around?  Was I born with the window seat of hearing?  The freshly grated parmesan?   The little bow on the front of a bra in the world of listening to things?  Admittedly, I have a heck of a time watching TV these days.  I get the drift, but half the time when something funny or dramatic seems to happen I have to ask my husband what it was.  But still… You’d barely notice if you met me.  It’s not something it would occur to you to comment on.

Or you might, but I wouldn’t hear the comment anyway, so it hardly counts, now does it?

So…yes.  I have Moderate Hearing Loss.  Basically the parts of my ear that perceive volume and vowel sounds are perfectly fine, but some of the parts for distinguishing consonants are a bit lacking now.  …Which means I can’t tell you the lyrics to a song to save my life, but damned if I can’t do a good rendition like someone with their tongue removed.

Good points:  Apparently not all hearing aids look like those giant beige extra ears that I remember grandmothers wearing.

Low points:  My step-father now wants to ship up the giant beige extra ear that his now-deceased mother “almost never wore.”  Ummm…

(I tried to explain that ew, and that also she may not have needed the same kind of corrections I do.  He’s determined, though.  It was an easier-to-just-say-thank-you moment)

And as a nice little cherry on the fluffy badness, hearing aids to compensate for my problem should set me back around $2000-$5000 or more out of pocket.  ?!??  I should check the fine print on our insurance.  I’m sure there’s got to be something in there.  If I do end up getting some eventually, I bet it will totally be like those “there are leaves on trees??” moments that people who got glasses talk about.  I’m sure that my brain has learned to adjust and compensate in a lot of ways, but there’s got to be a lot out there that I’m not taking in fully.  Loudly, but not fully.

So I ate a lot of questionable McDonalds food products on Tuesday (which were kind of gross, by the way.  Damned improved eating habits have ruined my ability to gorge for comfort), and have since slipped into a sense of false apathy about the whole thing.  I can tell that it’s bothering me, as I’ve been extra grumpy, and extra bored, and extra apathetic about any number of other unrelated things.  I’m not quite ready to deal with it head on, though, I think.  I need some time to wrap my head around it.  And to try not to think about the fact that since they don’t know what caused it, there’s nothing really saying it couldn’t happen again.  I feel low, and kind of numb, and I don’t really want to do anything at all (which is why I kind of sort of haven’t written here yet this week. …Sorry).

Oh, and as the syrupy red nasty sugar goo around the cherry on the fluffy badness, my husband is going to be working crazy late hours for the next week or so (including the weekend), so I’m sort of on my own in working through all this.

In good news, I got my doctor to agree to refer me to a different psychiatrist.  On the down side, she said I need to keep seeing Dr. Douche until the new one pans out.  …And I’m not 100% sure that doesn’t mean that I now have to take the over-the-top medications he was insisting on or risk being reported as “non-compliant with recommended treatment” to my insurance.  Ugh.  I’m not sure how much diplomacy I have left in me either.  Do you think it would hurt my case for not needing sedatives if I sank my teeth into his nose?

And if so, how much?

Because if there’s a chance that I could get away with it, I may have to consider…

As a plus to all of this, I spent the remainder of Tuesday reading the Harry Potter book that was a prize from the lovely Sarah P.  No, I hadn’t read them yet.  Yes, I’m from Earth.  No, not a cave-like part.  I just…hadn’t gotten around to them.  It was fun.  I think I may pick up the others to devour over the coming days.  Many, many thanks to Sarah (who by the way drew a very appropriate and not at all penis-related stick figure drawing on the card).  Now that’s the kind of restraint I need.

With pineapple mango jam. …When did this actually turn into a blog about what I had for lunch??

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

I wish sometimes that human beings came with a little view screen that displayed what’s really going on in there.

“Oh – I don’t really want these nachos, I’m just lonely”


“Oh – I’m cleaning this floor so intently to avoid dealing with those incomplete forms on my desk”

”Oh – it’s the Flintstones theme song”

Sometimes I think I know what’s going on in my head, but at other times I’m totally lost.  And my head lies.  Frequently.  And well.

I’ve been feeling lately like I didn’t really have time to write here (or to do much of anything else, really) because I’m trying to get the house in order after our move, and am eager to have things in some vague level of livability.  I think that’s part of it, but I also think that I have been MUCH more stressed out about other life events than I’ve fully realized.  I wonder if my workaholic nature is often affected this way.

There’s been a lot of financial stress lately on this end.  Since the allergic reaction to my meds, the prognosis for my return to work has changed dramatically.  The financial situation was not entirely rosy to begin with having just purchased our first house, and the extra costs associated with trying to get me better so far had significantly chewed through any reserves we may have had.  So now we’re up to our eyeballs in debt, and weighing significantly any purchase of items for the house.  Do we really need a lawn mower?  Could we cut each blade by hand?  Maybe we could get a goat…

If I can’t go back to work as intended, that will leave me without pay for a period of time before long term disability insurance benefits would kick in.  That’s thousands of dollars difference in our income for that time, and still a significant difference after even once the insurance payments start (provided all goes smoothly and I’m quickly approved).  Thank goodness that I even have that, is all that I can say.  I can’t imagine working through something like this without that safety net.  We’d lose our house, our car,…just about everything but each other.

At any rate, as thinly stretched as we are, the extra strain is going to be significant.  I think in part I’ve been trying to be strong for my husband.  I know that the possibility of my being off work longer stresses him RIGHT THE FUCK OUT.  He’s had a couple of mini-meltdowns because of it, and I can’t help but feeling on some level like it’s all my fault.  I’ve been trying to be the voice of optimism, and focus externally on how we’ll get through it and everything will be okay.  It could be much worse.  If nothing else comes up, it will be very survivable.

I just spoke with the Disability Services Manager (or something like that) from my employer, though, and when she told me about another financial hit, I turned into a wet, tearful mess on the phone.  I’ve acknowledged that I’ve been putting off filling out the disability forms and making that particular phone call, but I hadn’t quite realized how much the whole thing was still eating at me.  I think in my attempts at previous survival, I’ve gotten quite adept at shoving things aside and burying them as quickly as possible.  Not so good for the long term benefit.

So I’m going to eat a peanut butter sandwich now (because finances are tight), and sit down for a minute to do something that isn’t work related to try to pull myself together (because finances are tight and that stresses me RIGHT THE FUCK OUT).

In an hour and a half I have to face down the contractor who’s trying to get out of fixing the damage his workers have done to our house and belongings.

Because I’m the together one right now.

And that stresses me right the fuck out.