Does any of this sound familiar? Because some of it totally rings a bell for me…
Why do I end up still wandering aimlessly sometimes when there is nothing more out there that I want to read? I get a lot of good out of the computer, and I am dearly grateful for it now that I’m couch-bound most of the time. It provides a valuable link to the outside world. And most of the time, I am happy using it. …But there are those other times, when I know that there are other things I could be putting my energy towards that are more valuable, and I have already looked at everything I wanted to look at anyway, and it begins to leave me feeling a little lonely and a little irritable (not sure why, but I’ve noted the pattern). …And yet, sometimes when I’m in that state, it’s really difficult to put it away. Why is that? If I’m bored with it, and it’s making me uncharacteristically cranky, why would I not want to close it up? Rationally I should (and do). But there’s something more lurking under there. Something that does not want to let go. Something that either creates reasons to use it further, or resists putting it away even when I’m clearly done. That’s the part that makes me realize something more insidious is probably going on there. And regardless of the fact that I don’t spend nearly as much time online as some people do (and not much time at all, these days), I don’t like it. Anything more than what I actually want to be spending is too much.
I know this isn’t a novel concept. I’ve read similar sentiments from tons of you out there before (as we all take turns swearing to cut back ). Was just thinking about it again, and figured rather than sit here re-checking things I have already checked, that I would write this instead. And then try to put it aside. I’ve taken steps before to cut back when I thought I was spending too much time with these sorts of things, but it really comes into focus now that my energy is so limited. Now a little extra here and there becomes WAY too much to waste.
The funny thing is, it doesn’t seem to be an addiction to anything in particular, like one would suspect it would be (a la internet gambling, or gaming, or chatting, or what have you). I have an extra draw to sources of social interaction, but overall it’s almost as if part of me just wants to keep using the machine itself. For whatever. Weird.
Maybe someday they’ll discover that the light patterns stimulate some not-yet-understood part of our brains, and we’re helpless putty in it’s electronic hands.
It could happen.
And when they do, I bet I’ll hear about it online.