My desktop computer’s having some issues. Nothing that The Man can’t fix for me, but for the next few days at least I’m thinking it’s probably safer to just not turn it on. I’m in an odd sort of computer-limbo anyway these days, as since starting to use the laptop, I hardly ever bother with my desktop anymore. But everything else is still stored on there. Including Outlook with all my e-mail. It’s basically a great big e-mail machine right now. With its own room. …But it seemed like an important room at the time. In my defence my husband’s desktop is in there too. The desktop that he doesn’t use much either since he got a laptop from work. Sigh.
The laptop we own is a few years out of date and was the absolute cheapest possible option at that time, though (it was really just for word processing and playing videos at our wedding. …Separately, that is. There was no word processing at our wedding that I know of), so I don’t think I’m likely to be able to sever ties from the E-Mail and Storage Machine anytime soon. Also, any video games I indulge in must be really, really old.
The downside to trying to make do without Outlook for a while is that I have a billion different e-mail addresses for different things (give or take 999,999,990). I like different stuff to have a different address. Makes me feel all organized, or compartmentalized, or something else that’s good and ends in ized. Stuff from this website, stuff from my real life, stuff that’s sketchy or likely to generate spam… I have a lot more addresses to check regularly than patience to do it one at a time. I think I have successfully set up things to forward to one address for a while. Probably took longer to do than it would have to just find out what needs to be done with my computer and fix it, but ah well. And yes, of course, I created a new e-mail address just for forwarding things to.
I saw the new therapist again (who I suppose will soon need a reference that doesn’t involve the word “new.” She could be the Hugging Therapist, maybe. She seems fond of hugging me). I have the issue that receiving positive feedback and the feeling that I’m doing a good job makes me super crazy happy, but any indication (however small) that there’s more that I could be doing makes me feel terrible. So this was a great session. A deliriously happy session. I’m not sure it was for entirely healthy reasons, but I’m happy this week. In line with my distortedly high expectations for myself, I am also going to do the BEST JOB AT GETTING BETTER EVER. I’m torn on whether or not this is a problem.
The hyper SAM-e energy continues. I’m starting to really love this stuff. The thoughts about my future continue also, as a result of the increased energy. It’s really hard to tell what I might be capable of if I actually had a normal amount of energy and a stable mood all the time. It’s amazing what a person can adjust to as “normal.”
Some of my biggest worries are that I won’t be able to do a good job, or that people will be dissatisfied, or that I won’t measure up to my competitors anymore. …But if I look at them objectively, there’s no reason at all to believe that. I’m good at work stuff. That’s one of my strengths. It comes from my insanely high expectations of myself. Realistically, I imagine that any service I provide will end up being extremely high quality compared to the rest of what’s out there. Because I’m like that. And as much as I would ideally like to tone that down a little, the likelihood of my doing a crappy job with this stuff is slim. If I was taking on a carpentry business or something else I’m not at all trained for, maybe. …Though even then, I imagine with the amount of preparation it’s in my nature to do, I might even be okay. I think truly the biggest danger to my success with this is self-doubt and getting in my own way.
Like usual, then.
Sometimes I wonder what I would be capable of if I was a completely confident person. And not just because I’d be the only one on the planet who could claim that. ….Well, maybe one of a few. But I bet the other couple are douchebags.